An Educational Video
by sissyHIYAH
Summary: Garden Girls Gone Wild was certainly NOT what Quistis had in mind when Irvine and Zone suggested a money-making idea for a cash strapped Garden, nor was she expecting to fall for a rumored porn-addicted photographer.
1. Discoveries

Disclaimer: All characters belong to some company that makes video games. I just borrow them.

Note: I am NOT a writer. I'm a much better reader. That being said, I just want to let you know that this is purely a time killer. I work a third shift job and the newspaper holds only so much appeal. I started reading these fanfic thingies and thought it would be fun to write one or two. Be gentle if you decide to review this. Remember, it's my first time.

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"Irvine! Irvine Kinneas! Where are you?"

Forks clattered to plates, food abandoned, as students pushed their chairs back to remove themselves from the path of Hurricane Trepe. Conversations stopped, eyebrows were raised, and punch lines were never heard as the jokes died on questioning tongues. Lunchtime in Balamb Garden had never been so quiet. In spite of the sudden silence, light voices could still be heard at the far end of the crowded room. Apparently a few people had not heard the weather forecast. _We'll have slightly windy conditions for much of the Plains area, with a chance for scattered showers. But watch out, you folks in Balamb. Expect a sudden chill as an ice storm descends on an unfortunate few in the Garden. _

"…Yeah, and here, and here. Yep, and initial here, and that's it! Thanks for showing, umm, your _support _for our lovely Garden. And remember ladies. We gotta keep this quiet. This ain't exactly what you want to go home to Mama in your report card." Irvine Kinneas winked as he finished the paperwork, causing the bubbly redheads in front of him to giggle and sigh. "Maybe we can get together later. My girlfriend is very open, and we sometimes…" The ginger twins never discovered what the handsome SeeD and his lucky lady did for fun, as another roar of thunder from the brewing tempest interrupted the young man.

"Where the hell are you, Kinneas?"

Turning to see what was causing all the ruckus, Irvine saw students and instructors alike falling over themselves in an effort to get out of the way of Quistis Trepe. _Odd_, he thought. _Most of the time, people smile when she walks up the halls. Or down the halls, for that matter. The view is mighty fine either way. She's the only hot instructor at this place. Wait. What's that in her hands? Is that…oh shit! It's volume 2! _

Ducking behind the confused girls, Irvine began his desperate bid for the nearest exit. _Crawling through a crowd ain't dignified, but it sure as hell beats the alternative, _he mused as he wound his way through a jungle of heavy boots and forgotten crumbs on the floor. _Almost there, almost made it, just a few feet more…_OW! LEMME GO! THAT HURTS!

A slim hand pulled a bit harder, and the rest of Irvine followed his ponytail in its swift ascension. Attached to that hand was the stiff figure of Quistis Trepe, instructor, warrior, and currently, angel of doom.

"Out. Now. Office. Go."

_Startin' to sound like Fujin_. _But I'll be damned if I ever tell her that. _

--

Irvine folded his long limbs into the chair across from Quistis' desk when they arrived at her office. Eyes darting from the pacing form of Quistis to her whip on the desk to the box in her hands, Irvine nervously began to wonder when the storm would break.

"Remove your hat in my office. "

_Ah, here we go. Well, it's been a good life. I hope Selphie wears that cute little black number to the funeral. I always did like the way it would cling to her…_

A low voice snapped him out of his daydream. "When the headmaster appointed you to your current position, I doubt that she intended for this, this…what did you call these? I seem to remember the name of your proposal was 'Off Campus Education and Training'. Not this. _Garden Girls Gone Wild?_You initially proposed a system of video aids to be shipped to those soldiers who would be encamped for extended periods without access to the latest combat techniques. Now you're shipping porn to those same soldiers. And, might I add, degrading your female comrades." Quistis finally stopped pacing and sat on the edge of the desk, faced Irvine, and listened to his rebuttal.

"But Quistis, these _are _educational! I never knew that some of these things could even be attempted without kneepads and a hula-hoop. And it's not porn! It's a fundraiser. Those boring training DVDs actually cost us money. I reckon it was a bad idea at first, stupid combat videos, but now we're rakin' in the dough. Besides, those girls are _really _well trained and they sign waivers and everything!"

"Don't give me that Kinneas! Is it not bad enough that you're filming students? I recognized three of my former pupils in this trash."

"Hey now! I only film graduates. I'm not some kind of sick pervert!"

Quistis sighed and lowered her gaze to the DVD cover featuring a brunette wearing a Balamb SeeD jacket, standard issue boots, and not much else. Exasperated, she tried to explain things in a simpler manner. "Irvine, we train soldiers here. We do not exploit our female population just so a few bucks can be made. We are lucky to have you at Garden. You are a very dear friend and an extraordinarily talented soldier, but you are also the biggest pig I have ever met."

Irvine's face fell as Quistis scowled at him. "But, but…every single gil goes right back to Garden! For, you know, repairs, supplies, all that stuff. SeeD missions are starting to get fewer and fewer. You know that." Quistis said nothing as Irvine stuttered his defense. She couldn't argue that point with him. There had indeed been a significant decrease in the number of SeeD requests. "People just ain't hirin' like they used to. This is helpin'. Volume 1 made over 89 million gil, and volume 2 is already at 67 million! And we ship these all over the…" He stammered to an uncomfortable silence as he watched Quistis tilt her head and smile sweetly at him. It was the same smile he had seen before she would unleash her vicious limit break. _She looks just like a cat at a mouse hole. Pretty, but that pretty kitty has _very _sharp claws. Hyne help me._

"Oh? Shipping them worldwide? From where, I wonder? Not from here, I hope. I don't know how I'll explain this to Xu. The thought of breaking the news to the newly instated Headmaster brought the normally stoic Quistis to near hysterics. Xu was not known for her patient disposition. _Hi, Xu! Well, yes, Garden is low on funds, missions are almost non-existent, but have no fear! Irvine Kinneas has a brilliant scheme to save the day. Yes, we just need some cameras, a bad script, and girls with loose morals. We'll be the world's first military academy with its own pornographic fighting wing! Cheerio, Headmaster! "_This could be a monumental embarrassment for Balamb Garden and a political nightma…how much money did you say?"

"well-I-gotta-buddy-named-zone-in-timber-that-works-at-a-warehouse-and…"

Narrowing her blue eyes, Quistis tried to decipher the cowboy's mumbled reply. _A buddy in Timber? It isn't that big of a town. Rinoa introduced us to a few people in Timber. __That's where we met Watts and…_

"Irvine, wait. Stop. What was that name again?"


	2. The Coffee Problem

Disclaimer: Square (or is it Square Enix) characters again. And a few lyrics from a Van Halen song. And a partial Calvin and Hobbes homage.

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"Please stop laughing, Selphie. I fail to understand what you can possibly find so comical about this situation." After a very frustrated Quistis let Irvine retreat to the safety of his dorm, she noticed that it was well after two pm. Having missed lunch, she looked at the reports waiting on her desk with a very distinct feeling of dread. Food would have to wait until those were graded. Grabbing a red pen and a few reports, she decided to meet Rinoa and Selphie for a quick coffee break and grading session in the quad.

A few minutes later, she was beginning to regret this decision, as Selphie Tilmitt seemed determined to both prevent any actual work and to set women's rights back two centuries.

"Oh! And here's another one! They could write a movie for you Quisty! I'm sure they can think of a part for a sexy whip-wielding blonde dominatrix! Or you could be the kinky teacher that _really _has to enforce the rules! Hee, hee!" A yellow blur was all that could be seen as Selphie danced and twirled around her girlfriends. 'I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, wha-wha-wha-wham! I'm hot for teacher!' The impromptu serenade left the impish girl panting as she collapsed on the bench next to Rinoa "Woo hoo! This is so much fun. I'll ask Irvy to let me do a cameo. I wonder if I can walk a poodle by your hotel room, like that creepy old director used to do? Except I can do it naked! In heels! The poodle can wear heels too! Oh, oh! It's too much! Do you think they'll let me write your lines for you?" Selphie giggled as she dodged an empty coffee cup hurled by a less-than-amused Quistis.

Rinoa watched the exchange with a mixture of concern and amusement in her deep brown eyes. She couldn't decide whether to burst into laughter at Selphie's atrocious singing or slap her for siding with her cowboy boyfriend. Seeing Quistis cover her face with her hands, she decided to break through the stream of Selphie-speak before the attack could begin anew. "Come on, Selphie. She's just worried about the reputation of B-Garden. I can't say I'm surprised about Zone and Irvine making the jump from magazines to naughty movies, but they should really know better. Just ease up on Quisty a bit. This could affect that promotion she's worked so hard to achieve. Remember that she defended his proposal when Xu was ready to deny it. You know, it really did seem like a good idea at the time, but..."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. But she gets so wound up about these things." Selphie leaned over Rinoa to face Quistis with her very best glare. "Quistis Trepe, you are hereby ordered to lighten up. Your new job is in the bag, baby! Although I don't get why you want to be a professor anyway. That's just an instructor that has to wear ugly sweaters and those tacky chains on their glasses. Do you even get paid more?" Quistis shook her head, causing her golden hair to partially fall from its neat bun. "Then I wouldn't worry about it. They won't shut down the school just because of some skin flicks. After all, you tried to stop 'em." Considering the problem solved, Selphie turned her attention to her tepid coffee. "Hey, did you order decaf for me again? You know how I hate that stuff. Doesn't taste right."

Quistis peeked at Rinoa through the spaces between her long fingers. Horrified blue eyes met horrified brown as both ladies remembered the catastrophic effects that caffeine had on the overly energetic Selphie. The last time Selphie Tilmitt drank a cup of real coffee was legendary at Balamb Garden. Forever known by the sounds that Selphie made as she descended on the cafeteria, _The Great Kablooey Incident _was infamous as the biggest exodus of instructors and cleaning personnel _ever _from any of the three Gardens. And that included losses sustained during the War. One janitor was still missing, presumed to be in an asylum somewhere in Deling City, and another was begging for change in Balamb square. "How am I supposed to have any energy if you guys keep buying decaf for me? Maybe I'll organize a protest. 'We want caffeine! In our coffee beans!' Or 'No Joe? We won't go!' I should go make some posters, hmm, posters with glitter! I'll see you guys later."

Cries of '_Hey! You! Don't run off! I need some help starting a revolution!' _followed her through the quad as students suddenly became very interested in heading to the library.

Watching the ball of energy bounce around in a mad attempt to recruit members to her coffee cause, Quistis said to Rinoa, "You know, I don't think she realizes that _her_ blood uses caffeine instead of plasma as a transport medium."

The unexpected joke caught Rinoa off guard. "Why doesn't Selphie try talking to Xu? You take care of these movies and she can think of a brilliant way to organize SeeD to save the beans. I'm sure that decaf is top of her list of new Headmaster duties. Time Compression is nothing to the plight of caffeine addicts and espresso lovers worldwide." Rinoa smiled as her friend started to laugh quietly. She really did take things much too seriously for someone so young. _She needs a break. A serious break. Work isn't everything. At least Selphie understands that. Poor Quisty can't seem to grasp the concept. I'll have to get her out of that classroom every now and again._ "Well, at least you're finally having _some _fun again. But we better get going as well. I have to meet Squall and your next class is in a few minutes. I'll walk you up there."

-----------

After gathering her paperwork and the improvised paper cup missile she fired at Selphie, Quistis set off beside Rinoa on their way back to the classrooms. Reaching the door to the lecture hall, Rinoa gave Quistis a quick grin. "Call me tonight and we'll round up Selphie to watch some movies that don't feature nude Balamb grads. You look like you could use a good comedy, or maybe a nice musical. I'll get a message to Zone too. I've not talked to him or Watts in a couple of weeks now." Her grin grew a little wider. "I'm sure he'll reconsider making these films if I tell him that _you_ might have problems explaining them to the head office. Remember when he gave that last train ticket to you when we tried to leave Timber? Zone has always thought of me as his little sister and didn't want me running off with a bunch of mercenaries. But then again, he hated to see you so disappointed. Poor Zee couldn't stand the thought of causing any kind of inconvenience for you."

Quistis was beginning to think that Rinoa's face might split if her smile kept growing like that. "Hmmm, it has be your hair. That guy always has been a fool for blondes. I still think he's kind of sweet on you. Ooh, gotta go, Quisty! Call me when you get finished today!"

"Great", sighed Quistis as she settled her papers on her massive desk and organized her notes for the last lecture of the day, 'Advanced Casting and Item Refinement'. It was going to be a very, very long class. Item refinement was a difficult subject that normally floored her students. It didn't help that most of her male students (and one or two females) spent the majority of her lectures staring at her instead of taking notes. "On top of everything else, another damn Trepie."


	3. Old Friends

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Unlocking the door to the room she shared with Squall, Rinoa was nearly knocked to the floor by her very protective dog, Angelo. "Hey buddy! I missed you too. Okay, that's enough. Down. No, dowwwn. Good dog!" Throwing her purse on the couch, she heard footsteps and a low voice in the small dining area. "Hi Honey! You wouldn't believe the conversation I just had with Quisty and Selphie. Apparently Zone and Irvine have been…" Squall put his finger to his lips and handed her the phone. He mouthed "Zone" to her and sat down at the table with a confused expression on his face.

"Zone? Hey! We were just talking about…you are? Tonight? Well, I guess that will be okay. Hold on." Rinoa held the phone to her chest and asked Squall if he felt like some company for a couple of nights. A shrug of his shoulders was his only response. "Sure Zone, c'mon over. Okay, yeah, we'll see you in a few hours. I'll meet you at the train station. Yeah, later."

She put the phone back on the receiver and sat down across from Squall. "That is totally weird, isn't it? We were just talking about Zone and this little business he's got going on with Irvine. Did you know what they have been doing lately?" Again, a shrug from her boyfriend was the only acknowledgment that he had even heard her. "Remember those video training thingies that Irvine said would make so much money? Well, looks like they've been making some, ummm, rather risqué videos and selling those. Now Zone is in trouble with some crime lord in Timber because he's been giving some of that money to Irvine instead of giving it all to his boss. So Zone is on the run from this guy and he needs a place to stay 'til things blow over. Is that okay with you?"

"I guess."

A quick glance to Rinoa's shaking hands made Squall a little more concerned about the conversation he had tried to overhear. When Zone first called, they had talked about Timber and the dismal season for the Galbadian Lions, but he had mentioned nothing about money or crime lords. Or porn.

"How much money does he owe?"

"Oh, right around 150 million gil or so. At least, that's close to what was given to Garden."

"What? Hyne, Rinoa. They've sold that many of these movies? We should put him in charge of finance instead of Kinneas." A rare smile passed briefly over Squall's features. "We'd have this money problem solved in no time. Ow! What did I say?"

Smiling, Rinoa pulled her hand back from Squall's arm. She definitely had a very painful pinch. "Don't you dare let Quistis hear you make jokes about this. She's ready to string Irvine up by his ponytail for lying to that committee. I don't think I've ever seen her so stressed. When I pick Zone up from the station tonight, we'll have to hide him in the pantry or something. If he goes wandering around Garden, Quistis might see him. I wouldn't want my old buddy to be murdered by one of my best friends."

Squall actually chuckled as Rinoa got up to find some blankets for the couch. Her influence on him was astounding. Taciturn Squall, king of introverted behavior, was now capable of making jokes. "Well, that has to be better than being shot by some Timber gangster. I'm sure Zone couldn't think of a better death than being strangled by Quistis Trepe. Do you think he'll want that inscribed on his tombstone or mfffffff!" A pillow in the face silenced the Balamb Commander as Rinoa broke down in waves of laughter.

------------------------------

"Do you see him?"

"Nope."

"Well, the train left fifteen minutes ago. Do you think he's hurt? Oh, what if they got him before he even got on the train? What if he's, what do they call it, sleeping with the squid? Should we try to call him?" Rinoa was tapping her foot in impatience as her watch ticked away the time. Zone had a lot of faults, but tardiness was not one of them.

"Calm down. He's bound to be around here somewhere. And it's 'sleeping with 'da fishes', not squid." Just as Squall finished reassuring his worried girlfriend, a sharp tap on the shoulder caused him to spin around and punch the offender right in the gut. Whereas Rinoa could pinch like the most bad-tempered lobster in the world, Squall had one hell of a right hook.

"Squall! You just popped Zone! We're supposed to be helping him, not killing him!"

"Ooof! Damn, Squall. That hurt! Jeez man, I just wanted to say 'hey'." Zone tried to stand back up, gasping for air as he made his greetings to the frantically apologizing couple. Finally getting some air in his lungs, he gave Rinoa a tight hug and shook Squalls hand. Smiling at both, he apologized for making them wait. "Sorry about making you worry, Rin. I was hiding in the bathroom. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. Damn, it's great to see you guys! I've missed you Rin!"

"Oh, I've missed you too, Zee! Come on; let's get back to Garden. I'm starving. Besides, I have a LOT of questions to ask you. One bag and a camera? Is that it? That's your luggage? I swear, Zone, sometimes you amaze me. Well, anyway. Let's go. We need food, then we can catch up!" Rinoa grabbed Squall by one hand and Zone by the other, dragging them both to the waiting car.

---------------------------

"Hyne, Zone! How long has it been since you've eaten anything?"

Squall still had his mouth hanging open, amazed that so much food could fit into one person. Rinoa had gone back to the cafeteria line for the third time, since Zone had already finished three plates of spaghetti, two hotdogs, four bananas, four slices of toast, and one piece of cheesecake. She giggled as she set one more hotdog in front of her ravenous friend. Zone grunted his gratitude, since speech was impossible with a mouth full of cafeteria chow.

"I don't think even Zell could eat that much, and he's been the Balamb Hotdog Eating Champion for the past three years."

Settling back in his chair with a sigh and a barely muffled belch, Zone looked back at his hosts and began explaining how he ended up wanted by the Timber crime syndicate.

"We started making those combat videos that Irvine mentioned, but they were making no cash at all. Then Irv said that we might sell more if we didn't use men for the videos. So he started picking the hot chicks that work here to demonstrate those crazy moves you SeeDs use. I took his film to a buddy that works with some real seedy guys in the, uhh, movie and publishing business. I just thought they could help us produce more DVDs without using more money. They saw how cute these girls are, called Irvine, and convinced him to start filming some, ummm, different types of combat moves. Trust me, it didn't take much convincing for Irv."

"So how did you end up being chased by this guy? We've already heard about the script changes. Get to the point." Squall interrupted before Zone could begin relating sordid specifics about the films.

"Well, his name is Fat Moe and he is one pushy son of a bitch. He helped spread the word, get the product moving, all that stuff, for a pretty hefty percentage. We still weren't making that much more, so I started to mess with the paperwork, tweak receipts, things like that. He said that he was going to give Irvine and me a bigger portion of the profits, but then he backed out of his promise." Zone swallowed hard at the look on Rinoa's face. "Once the first volume broke 50 million, Moe had so much money coming his way, he didn't really notice a few thousand disappearing. I just took the part that he promised me, no more than that." Rinoa squinted at this, making him fidget in his seat. He felt embarrassed enough without her thinking that he was both a scumbag _and _a crook. "I promise Rin, I've not turned into a thief yet. It was so easy at first. Then his nosy little associate started leafing through the papers, noticed that it was my shipments that were starting to go missing, one thing led to another, and now I have a hit out on me." He finished his tale with a whimper.

"I didn't mean for this to happen! I was trying to help you guys out; for all that you did to stop that bastard of a president. Besides, Irvine and these movie guys have no class at all. They don't even appreciate _art. _We wouldn't even be making movies if it weren't for Irv. I'd rather stick to my photography._" _

Rinoa and Squall exchanged skeptical looks as Zone smothered another burp. "Really! I had plans for my own studio and everything_._ But now, I can't even stay in one spot long enough to find a grocery store, much less an apartment or a studio. Thanks for dinner by the way."

"You're welcome Zone, but I wish you had called sooner. We could have figured this out before you got in so deep." Rinoa couldn't believe that her dear friend had gone so far with such unpleasant characters. "We'll get you straightened out in no time at all." _I hope, anyway. _

Stretching her arms over her head, Rinoa decided it was time for all good little mercenaries to get to bed. The yawning trio cleaned their trays and headed back to the dorms. Showing him his temporary living space, formerly known as their couch, Rinoa and Squall bid Zone good night. "I'll give you the tour, (yawn), tomorrow, 'kay, Zee? I'm pooped!" Lights were turned off and everyone settled in for the remainder of the night.

Running his fingers through his inky black hair, Zone surrendered to exhaustion and leaned back on the couch. Thousands of thoughts were drifting through his mind as he tried to relax. _Thank Hyne for good old Rinoa. Maybe this nightmare is over for a while. Balamb is by the ocean; maybe they have good sushi somewhere in town. Nice scenery here, might try to grab a few pics tomorrow. The seaside is beautiful. I'm gonna have to find Irvine. Tell him to lay low for a while. Hope that fat bastard Moe gives up for a bit. Wonder if that pretty blonde friend of Rin's still works here. Man, I hope so. Ooh, shouldn't have had that last hotdog. My stomach is killing me. _

He had just closed his cobalt eyes when Rinoa's voice sounded from the bedroom. "Oh yeah. If you don't want to run into trouble, steer clear of the second floor. You'll wish that Moe _had _found you if Quistis gets her claws in you. She's mad as hell right now. G'night!"

"What was that, Rin? Why shouldn't I stop and say hi? What's going on?" Silence greeted his questions as he put his head back down on the borrowed pillow. _What did I do to Quistis? I just got here a few hours ago. _


	4. Running Late

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Early morning sunbeams streamed through the windows of Balamb Garden, waking grumpy students and faculty from their beds. There was the daily stampede for the bathrooms, as hot water supplies usually started to dwindle after the first few hundred showers. The cafeteria filled with hungry students, while the monsters in the training center crawled from their dens, hoping for a tasty bite of one of these well-fed cadets.

Quistis would normally watch the mad morning rush with a certain level of smug amusement, having the majority of her early duties completed before the rest of the school had even hit the snooze button. A consummate early riser, Garden belonged to her for a couple of peaceful hours before sunrise. But recently, some of the more aggressive Trepies had discovered her scheduling tricks to avoid their advances, so this morning her routine had been disrupted. As a result, the training center was packed and she found herself in the midst of the crowd she so loathed.

While she truly did enjoy teaching her students, she was finding it harder to get any serious conditioning completed during conventional operating hours. The time that should be used to master her chain whip was instead being used to instruct every odd student that followed her into the humid training center. Most had genuine difficulties with particular fighting techniques, but some just wanted an excuse to be alone with _the _Quistis Trepe. Evading the student population had become a bigger challenge than battling the most ferocious T-Rexaur that Garden had to offer.

Throwing her towel over her shoulders and fastening her whip back to her belt, a sweaty, irritable Quistis trudged through the masses to the cafeteria for a bagel and coffee. _Let me see…grab some breakfast, pop in the shower, grade a few exams, call Xu, then class. Damn, it's late. Now I have to hurry. Oh, better call Rinoa as well. I forgot all about last night._

-------------------------------------

Kissing Squall on the cheek, Rinoa sent him off to start his Commander duties. "Call me later. I'll bring some lunch to your office. Love ya!" Squall gave her a muffled goodbye through his mouthful of toast, grabbed his bag, and went out the door. Returning to the living room, she pulled open the curtains, allowing the bright sunlight to burst into the dark room.

"Urghhh. Just five more minutes, Rin. I'll get up, I promise." Burying his head under the pillow, he tried to burrow his way back to slumber land, but Rinoa was too fast for him. Snatching his feet, she pulled hard and dragged the unfortunate Zone into the floor.

"Nope! It's a beautiful morning and I get bored while Squall is working. You are now my prisoner, so you have to follow my commands! Time for breakfast and the grand tour. Up!" Her attempt at a cheerful good morning was greeted with a loud groan. "Don't make me sic Angelo on you! She's a vicious killer! Sleepy photographers are one of her favorite snacks."

Laughing at the prone figure on her floor, she opened the window wide, letting the sea-spray air finish rousing the struggling Zone. Stumbling to the bathroom, he realized he had forgotten his comb, but he did remember to bring his toothbrush. Mumbling through the minty froth dripping down his chin, he decided to ask Rinoa about skipping the Garden tour.

"You think we can just hit the beach later? I want to see if I can get a couple shots before it gets dark tonight. The view from the train looked amazing."

"You mean get a few girls to pose for you, huh, you perv? And spit that stuff out. I can barely understand you, silly."

"No! I _meant _that the weather looks clear and I might get some good pics for my portfolio today. I could use some landscapes to round things out."

"Yeah, yeah. If you say so. I think we can swing that. No boob shots, though!" She chuckled as he rolled his eyes. "But let's get some coffee first. Looks like we'll have to wait in line anyway. We're getting a late start. Here! Catch!" Rinoa tossed a comb at the disheveled outline in the doorway. "You never have figured out how to tame that hair, have you? At least you quit wearing that horrible blue cap. I hated that thing."

---------------------------------------

"Rinoa! Who's that? Oh wait! I remember you! Timber, right? Welcome to Balamb, home of _Garden Girls Gone Wild, _but I guess you know all about that, don't ya?" Selphie was spraying crumbs over the table as she greeted the newcomer.

_Yeah, don't remind me. My mom would be so disappointed. _Zone couldn't avoid grinning as he was bombarded by the force field that surrounded Selphie. Her energy was contagious. The two had barely stepped into the cafeteria before she had pounced on them with an invitation to breakfast.

"Come on, sit with us. Irvy and Zell will be here in a few minutes. In the meantime, you can tell us all about the glamorous life of a porno kingpin."

"Oh Selphie. Not yet. I need coffee before you start with this again." Rinoa and Zone fell into chairs across from Selphie, both amazed that she could summon such an impressive amount of enthusiasm so early.

"Well good luck with _that._ I'm beginning to agree with Zell and his wiener theory. The cafeteria ladies have a vendetta against SeeD. He can't find hotdogs, and they are stealing my caffeine before they sell me any coffee. I'm telling ya, it's gonna be gnarly. First caffeine extraction, then pipe bombs and before you know it, a _Lunch Lady Queen_!" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "They have the regular coffee locked in a cabinet! Can you believe it? I've looked everywhere for the key, but they're good. Too fucking good. I don't trust 'em." Selphie's bright expression darkened as she considered the threats posed by evil lunch ladies. "We can save the world, but can we get a good cup of joe? Hell no! _They've got it in for us!_" With a menacing glance at the nearest cafeteria worker serving a famished student, Selphie narrowed her eyes and muttered something under her breath. Zone thought it sounded like _Humph. And they thought Kablooey was bad. I'll get 'em. I'll get 'em all… _

Raising his eyebrows, he was going to ask Rinoa what she meant by 'Kablooey', when he saw Irvine and the much shorter Zell drifting towards their table. "Irv! Hey man! We need to talk. Hey Zell, it's good seeing you again. But really Irv, remember Fat Moe? He's been after me for weeks. Might be gunning for you too. Better watch yourself. I had to shack up with Rin and Squall for a few days."

Irvine and Zell both smiled at the unexpected arrival of the former revolutionary. Zell's face lit up both at the sight of Zone and the smell of waffles floating through the air. "Hey Zone! When the hell did you get here? Have _you_ had a hotdog yet?" Zone nodded, causing Selphie and Zell to frown. "Really? I told you Sef! It's a plot to starve us all! They're _hiding _them from us." Zell plopped down next to the tiny SeeD, both of them eyeing the cafeteria staff with wicked expressions.

Irvine gave Selphie a peck on the top of her head, instantly cheering the conspiracy expert. "Moe? That old asshole doesn't scare me. Now yesterday, I thought I had bought the farm. Has anybody even seen Quistis today? I know she wakes up with the chickens, so I stayed in my dorm to miss her. She scares the living hell outta me."

Selphie giggled at her boyfriend's discomfort. Taking his worn hat, she placed it on her flipped hairdo. "Well, I tried hard to cheer her up yesterday, but she wouldn't have it. Maybe she just needs to get laid. Like soon. _Real soon._ You know, by somebody that can handle her mood swings. A good screw will put her right in a hurry."

Zell threw his head back, laughing loudly. Wiping tears from his eyes, he punched Irvine in the ribs. "Hey! Why didn't _you_ try to sweet talk her, Irv? Not scared of the little lady, are you?" He was still laughing as he left his chair to fight his way to the counter for some waffles.

"Do I look suicidal? That woman could scare the fangs off a rattler!" Irvine shuddered, memories of yesterdays encounter with Quistis still fresh in his mind. He continued talking to Zone. "I had to hire good old Zell as my bodyguard. If I can keep him out of the library, I might have a chance at living past the end of the week. Zone, if I were you, I'd hide somewhere."

Rinoa's jaw dropped at the behavior of her friends. "You guys are being really unfair! She's just stressed about so much right now. I know she can get a little touchy sometimes, but she has so many responsibilities. She had to teach four extra classes this year after the _Kablooey Incident_, Selphie_. _You wouldn't forget who caused that, now would you?" Selphie had the decency to almost look ashamed. "And now she has to worry about losing her job for defending you, _Irvine. _We should really help her out, not make fun of her!"

Zone looked around at the embarrassed faces circling the small table. "Wait. I don't get it. Is this the same person I remember? Five six-ish, blonde hair, pretty eyes, glasses, hell of a figure, real smart?"

Irvine smirked at Zone's description. "Buddy, better never let her hear you say any of that. She doesn't take real well to flattery. I've tried. Believe me. But yes, that is the one and only Quistis Trepe."

An angry Rinoa stood up to hit the long line for some juice and cereal. She hoped to cool down before she started shouting at Irvine and company. _Is this what Quisty was talking about? No wonder she's so mad. They're all acting like animals, just not the cute and cuddly kind. The mean, spiteful, horrible kind that poops on your car after a wash, and leaves gross presents on the lawn._

"Hey Rinoa. While you're up, will you grab me some eggs and toast? I'm pretty hungry."

"Oh, get it yourself, cowboy."

"Jeez woman! Alright. I'm sorry!" Selphie punched him in the arm, feeling a bit peeved that she was responsible for causing bad vibes for Quisty. "Fuck! Whoa there honey! I get it. We better run, Zell. It's a battle of the sexes in here today. Zell? Zell! Where'd you go?"

Zone excused himself and followed Rinoa to the back of the line, hoping that there might be some food left. Zell, well ahead of them with two empty trays in hand, was already scanning the breakfast offerings. Zone remembered Squall's comment about the martial artist's eating prowess. "What was that all about?"

She shook her head as she tried to think of the fastest way to explain Quistis' predicament. "Irvine is mad because she found out about those movies you two are making. Quistis helped support him when he lied about the content to the finance committee. Now she might not only be denied a promotion, but she may lose her job because Irvine didn't produce the combat aids he promised. She's the superior officer, so any problems from a subordinate are automatically her fault. See? He made those DVD's, and they _are_ making money, but it could cause problems for Balamb's reputation. And Quistis might be the one to suffer for it. _That _is what that was all about. _That _is why I told you to stay away from her for a few days. She is very, _very_ upset."

Rinoa sighed, watching her friends at the table tease each other and toss Irvine's hat in a game of keep-away. _I wish I could make them see how big of a deal this is for her._

"Damn, Rinoa. I had no idea."_ So much for stopping to say hello to her. __She's bound to hate me, maybe even throw something at me._ Zone looked toward the exit with longing. "You know, all of a sudden, I don't think I'm so hungry. Why don't we try back later?"

Rinoa nodded, pushing a downcast Zone to the exit. Leaving the breakfast crowd, they stepped back through the doors and promptly collided with a startled Quistis.


	5. Broken Glasses

Just finished watching the Princess Bride again and thought I would throw a Fezzick line in this story. Whoo, these fanfics are fun. I don't care if it sucks; I'm having a blast with this thing.

--

"Ooof! Sorry Quisty! We didn't see you! Are you hurt?" Rinoa pulled the instructor out of the floor and placed her slightly warped glasses back on her nose. Nervously, she started babbling about random topics. "There! Good as new! Hey! Been in the training center, right? You're kind of late, aren't you? Want some breakfast? Remember Zone? He sure remembers you. We're going to go into town today. I thought I'd show him the wonders of Balamb. Want to come? Maybe some shopping? Might go to the beach. Or some fishing, or some…um….photography?" She faltered as Quistis looked over her head to the young man behind her.

"When did _he_ get here? Photography? Oh Rinoa… Not you too." Her shoulders dropped. "Nevermind. I think I'm taking a sick day. This is too much. I'll see you later." Spinning on her heel, she started back to her room, but was forced to stop when her glasses fell again, shattering on the hard marble.

Zone bent to pick her frames from the floor, and looked up at Quistis with an apology on the tip of his tongue. The words died when his eyes made their way from her slender body to her face. Cheeks still flushed from exercise, she had a shallow laceration above her left eyebrow, a growing knot on her head, and a thick layer of mud on much of her left cheek. Dark eyes tracing a tangled weave of flaxen hair and broken twigs that fell down her throat, he failed to notice these imperfections._ She really is beautiful. Truly beautiful. This is not the same girl I met in Timber. Can't be. This is a goddess, a queen; meant to be worshiped and adored. What the hell are those fools thinking? Fangs off a rattler, indeed. Should I apologize? Do I say anything? Wait… Can I even talk? What do I do? She looks absolutely furious. But wow, fury really suits her. Oh Zone. Give it up. You're fucked, man. Look at those eyes. Is that a real color? I didn't know a blue like that even existed. _Rising to his feet, he decided to say nothing, realizing his tongue had taken that moment to freeze itself to the roof of his mouth.

She accepted the frames with a short word of thanks and a bleak smile. Her day had barely started, but she was ready to give up and go back to bed. Having no choice but to have someone guide her to her room, she tried to look at the blurry forms standing in front of her. Voice cracking, she grudgingly requested assistance. "Well, Rinoa. Could I convince you to part with your escort long enough to accompany me to my quarters? I seem to find myself unable to see clearly. I fear that I am I now incapable of walking down the hall without falling _flat on my ass!_ Since chances are good I'll be fired this week, I'd rather not be terminated with my leg in a sling."

"Quistis Trepe! Don't you dare talk like that! We're going to get all of these problems solved with _nobody _getting fired or quitting." Elbowing Zone, she tried to get him to follow her story. "That's why Zee is here. Isn't that right, Zone? Come on. I know you have a spare set of specs. Let's go grab 'em. Then you can come with us."

Zone tore his gaze from his ivory queen to see if Rinoa had lost her mind. Surely she didn't think he could possibly help anybody. He couldn't even take care of himself. The old familiar feeling of panic was moving into his gut. "Ummm, well, uhhh, yeah, but…"

Quistis opened her mouth to argue, but Rinoa was in full day-planning mode. She tried pushing her way through the crowd, but realized she was too short to make much of an impact. "Ooh! Why won't these people just get to class? Here Zone, hold her hand for a sec and stand against the wall." Rinoa grabbed the arm of the biggest passing cadet, whispering a short message in his ear. "What? Selphie Tilmitt? Caffeine? Shit! _**EVERYBODY MOVE!**_She's had coffee again! Run for your lives!" Beaming at the vanishing sea of SeeDs and cadets, she spun around to continue the journey to the dorms. "Okay! That was fun. Hee hee. Did you see how they all ran? Zone? Hey. You okay?"

Zone had paled the instant she had placed Quistis' hand in his grasp. His eyes had refused to leave her face during the commotion. Waving her hand in front of him, Rinoa tried to regain his attention. "Zone! Yoo Hoo! Come on! She won't bite." _She might punch, kick, poison, shoot, slice, stab or strangle, plus she has all kinds of tricks with that whip, but she would never bite. That just isn't her style. Although it looks like she could smile and he would fall over. Ah ha! I knew it! He's got it bad for her! _

Taking her other hand, they slowly walked along the dormitory wing, stopping long enough to retrieve Quistis' keys from her pocket. Opening the door to her austere dorm, the trio somehow managed to reach the living room without tumbling on top of each other. Taking in the bare room, Rinoa thought Quistis must lose her glasses on a regular basis. Footstools, coffee tables, umbrella stands; all were missing. Bookshelves lined her walls, surrounding a yoga mat and some free weights. Instructor accommodations were rumored to be much swankier than the average student room. Quistis obviously had yet to receive the memo. _Fewer things to trip over if you can't see very well, but how dull! I've heard of living for your job, but wow! Why doesn't she just get some contacts? And a life, maybe. _"Gee. Nice digs, Quisty. Do you have something against decorating? I think you have the single most depressing room this side of boredom."

Rolling her eyes, Quistis directed her to the bedroom. "Look on my nightstand, Rinoa. I believe I have a secondary pair behind the lamp. And Zone, I appreciate your concern, but I am perfectly capable of moving about my own room without assistance. You may remove your hand." Zone made no reply, nor did he try to remove his hand. He was still lost somewhere in her azure eyes. "Zone. I assure you, I'm fine. Can you hear me?" Again, she received no response from the smitten lad. "Rinoa! What's wrong with him? Does he have a seizure disorder? Is he epileptic? We may have to contact a medic. He won't release my hand."

Rinoa came running to see what calamity had befallen Zone, and then sat heavily on the couch, tears of laughter running down her face. "Oh Quisty! You scared me. He's fine. Here. See for yourself." Placing the spectacles in her free hand, Rinoa watched Quistis align them on her nose. "See? He's just been bitten by the Trepe bug." Still laughing, she adopted her soap opera doctor voice. "Yes. In all my years of medicine, this is the most advanced case of Trepe fever I've ever seen. Call the family. I hate to tell them, but I think…yes, it's _terminal._ We'll have to arrest the culprit responsible for spreading this dreadful disease." Winking at Quistis, Rinoa slapped Zone hard across the left cheek.

His head snapped to the right, breaking the trance. "Ow! Dammit Rin, I am _never_ coming back to visit you again. First Squall punches me, I get dragged into the floor, and now you smack my head. If I wanted to get my ass beaten, I'd start boxing with Zell. At least then I'd know it was com…ing." The past half hour caught up with him in a few seconds. "Ummm. Hi Quistis." He gave her a shy grin. "Glad you found your glasses. They're, umm, nice. Are you going to hit me too, you know, for the movies?" _Smooth, Zone. Damn smooth. Hell, just kill me now. _Waiting for the blow, he lifted his chin and tightly closed his eyes.

Quistis tilted her head and seemed to consider his offer, but decided against it. _Brave lad. I could break his neck right now, but that would get me prison stripes to match my pink slip. It is very tempting, though. _Instead, she flopped down next to Rinoa, laying her head on the brunette's shoulder. "I am truly sorry Rinoa. I'm not trying to be a bitch; it's just that I simply can't handle this situation. It's not as if I can just walk in with guns blazing, is it? I have seven instructors screaming for my head, and I think a couple of others are Irvine's customers. After the last staff meeting, the explosives master came to my office and had the audacity to ask if I was going to release my own volume! I'm afraid Selphie is remarkably astute about some things. Some men seem to have a thing for whips. And _I'm_ the one that might lose my job! Honestly!"

"The finance department seems content, but marketing is ready to throw me out as soon as the semester ends. My support of Irvine, they seem to be telling me, is the sole reason that Balamb is sinking. Never mind that missions and applications have been dropping for months. No. One vote of confidence for a friend is the proverbial vertebrae-shattering straw for that poor dromedary."

Raising her head, she pulled some twigs and leaf bits from her long hair. Grimacing at the amount of litter she discovered tangled in her tresses, she gave it up until she could wash it properly. "I suppose when things go wrong, a scapegoat must be found, eh? Firing me once wasn't enough, I guess. Oh, Rin. What am I to do? Xu says that I can handle myself and Squall won't listen either." She laughed quietly at a distant memory. "Of course, it's not as if he has ever tried to listen to me before."

Glancing at Zone, Rinoa noticed the flash of anger that passed over his features. _He never did like to see any sort of injustice. Neighborhood bullies and school meanies all the way to tyrannical presidents; they're all the same to him. I guess that's why he got involved with the Forest Owls so long ago. _His voice shook slightly as he interrupted the young instructor. "Hey Rin, why don't I run back to the cafeteria? We can meet up this afternoon. I need to speak with Irvine again. Then we're gonna have a quick word with your boyfriend. Maybe I can help straighten a few stories. It isn't her fault we screwed up."

It was now Quistis' turn to consider the tall figure leaning against her wall. _Hmm. Other than Rinoa, that's the first time in ages anybody has tried to defend me. He looks very serious. Much different than I remember him. _Standing back up, she brushed her hand over her face."No, no. That won't be necessary." She grabbed Zone's forearm and gently pushed him down next to Rinoa. "Let me grab a shower and call for a substitute. I think I may take you up on that photography expedition. I have to get out of here or I'll join Selphie's janitor in the madhouse. Please sit here for a few minutes, Zone. I'll hurry." Leaving them on her couch, she retreated to the shower to wash the sweat and training center grime from her hair.

Rinoa waited until she could hear the water running, then turned to regard Zone with a perplexed expression. "How did you do that? That's the best mood she's been in for weeks." Zone shrugged his shoulders, watching clouds of steam escape from the small opening under the bathroom door.


	6. Handles and Photographs

Note: Selphie always seemed like she would really enjoy Burt Reynolds movies. I don't know why. I think it might be the car chases. And I think Quistis would sound a lot like Elizabeth Hurley or Julie Andrews, if they ever get around to remaking the game with voices. Oh well. On with it.

--

"Nope! You're _Hotdog_, Irvy is going to be _Cowboy_, and I'm, let's see…ooh! I'll be _Rubber Duck_! Now, your little girlfriend is _Pigtail. _She's home base, in case they show up on campus. Squall said they might be headed to town, so we should start there."

"But Selphie! I want to be _Mad Dog_, or _Bandit_, or something cool like that."

"Forget it Zell! I hijacked these radios, I escaped from those vicious AV club members, and I get to pick the handles. So hop in the car, let's go find them, and then we can be back before lunch!"

Testing the batteries, Selphie pressed a button and spoke into the mouthpiece. "Breaker, breaker. This here's Rubber Duck. Hotdog, Cowboy, ya'll got your ears on? Come on back now. Over."

"Yeah, I hear ya, beautiful. I mean Rubber. I mean Duckie. What the hell am I supposed to call you again? Why can't we just use our names, honey?"

Selphie exhaled loudly, losing patience with her comrades. There had to be _some _order in the universe. Her high voice lost some of its trademark squeak. Irvine knew that things were going bad when she dipped into her lower octaves. "It's just the way it is, Cowboy. You drink milk with cookies, you pop the bubbles in bubble wrap, and damn it, you use handles when you get your hands on a radio! Don't try me today, buster! Now get in this car. We have to find Rinoa and apologize. I can't have two friends mad at me at the same time." By the time Selphie had finished, her short hair was standing on end, small hands were clenched in fists, and Zell had ducked into the floorboard of the black muscle car.

"Alright, alright! By all means, let's get going. Hellfire, woman! At least let me drive. I've seen this car in the garage for months and I've been plumb itchin' to drive it."

"Thanks honey! I'll make it worth your while, I swear." Selphie hopped in the back seat, still fiddling with her radio, as a grinning Irvine pulled the car out of the garage.

--

Blowing sand off his lens, Zone adjusted his camera and focused on a shadowed spot under a storm-bent palm. He had left his companions a few paces down the beach, lost in his work. His earlier anger, while not gone, had faded as he heard the girls behind him laughing and talking, seemingly content to leave their problems at Garden. _This really is a nice place. I should be able to get loads of shots. I'm tired of taking skin pics for Moe's damn magazines. I'd much rather photograph sand and trees. He always finds such ugly dogs to pose anyway. Woof. My stuff is good, but I can't build a career photographing trashy wannabe models. Maybe some of these will be what I need to work for a REAL magazine, or one of those nature journals. _

Rinoa watched Zone wander down the length of the sun-drenched beach, camera glued to his face. She wore a floppy straw hat that threatened to blow off of her head at any moment. Holding one hand on top of her hat, she used the other to point at the distant figure. "Aww…doesn't he look cute, running around like that? I've not seen him this happy in months." She turned to see Quistis chuckling as a dizzy Zone spun in circles, following a small flock of gulls that were chasing invisible insects. "And you! I don't believe it. You're actually having a good time, aren't you?" Quistis raised her eyebrows over her dark sunglasses, considering Rinoa's statement. She _was_ having a much better day, especially since washing all of the gunk out of her hair. It fell down her back in a damp curtain, dark blonde fading to gold as it rapidly dried in the hot sun. "Well, yes Rinoa. I feel much, _lighter, _I suppose. We should have done this a long time ago. Thanks for forcing me outdoors today."

"No problem, Quisty. Zee has looked forward to coming here since he got off the train yesterday. He's been dying to take some pictures. And you needed a major break, so I get to make two people happy with one simple little trip. I'm a miracle worker!"

Zone, having enough photos of ocean birds and waves, turned back to meet up with Rinoa and Quistis. He had one picture in particular that he wanted to show to Rinoa. Thumbing buttons on the digital display, he found the shot of a twisted shell he was looking for while walking slowly back towards the pair. He laughed aloud at Rinoa's attempts to keep her large hat on her dark hair, causing two heads to snap in his direction at the same time. "You know, I could take a shot of you in that hat, then you could let it go, since it obviously wants to escape so bad. You'll have a permanent reminder of your time together and that poor thing can rejoin others of it's kind."

"Oh hush, you! I love this hat! But get a picture of Quisty and me! I need some more for my scrapbook." Throwing her arm over Quistis' shoulder, she turned back to Zone with a charming smile. "Come on, darling. Let's be alluring and sexy for Zone. We'll make the cover of every magazine from here to Esthar. Don't you dare try hiding your face either, Missy! You never take any pictures with any of us. Selphie will have a cow. She'll be so jealous. Remember the last time she tried to get you in front of a camera? I don't think that window has ever been repaired." Quistis sighed at the shorter girl's insistence. _My legs are much longer than hers. I know I can outrun her. _"Hurry Zee! I can only hold her for so long!"

Zone readied his camera, making sure that the shutter speed was set to capture any movement. Quistis looked ready to bolt at any second. _With looks like that, I don't see why she is so camera shy. Cameras were invented for women like her. _Lifting the eyepiece to his face, he told Rinoa and Quistis to smile. While the two were arguing, he began taking shots, neither having heard him over their own voices.

"I told you, we're not going anywhere until we get a few new pics for my book. So make peace with it, Instructor. You're getting a picture." Quistis lowered her shades to glance at Rinoa's pouting face. "I just feel rather foolish when I have to be in pictures. Even when I do smile, it looks silly and forced."

"It will only take two seconds, then we can go back and get some tea and a sandwich at this little shop I know. C'mon Quistis. Just wave or wink or something if you don't want to smile."

"Fine. But I have no idea what I'm to do."

Zone lifted his eyes from the camera, looking at the golden lights reflected in her hair. "You know Quistis, you could just stand there or anything, really. You'll look gorgeous no matter what you do. I think you could make washing dishes look glamorous."_ Hell. Did I just say that out loud? Fuck me, I did. Oh no. They're both looking at me. What do I do now? _Clearing his throat, he tried to suggest that tea sounded like the best idea in recent history. "Umm…I think I'll go grab the car. I'll see you guys in a few minutes." Sand was thrown from his feet as he fled to the parking lot to find the car. Rinoa risked a quick peek at her friend to gauge her reaction to his unintentional compliment.

Quistis, cheeks burning, had taken a very sudden interest in polishing her sunglasses. "Maybe we should give him a minute. I'm sure that he didn't mean to say any of those things. Perhaps he's had too much sun exposure today."

With a mischievous twitch of her eyebrows, Rinoa took her hat and placed it on Quistis' head. "I believe he is a wee bit embarrassed, but sun exposure had nothing to do with it. I told you he had a thing for you! I think this little crush has been going on since he met you in Timber, all those years ago. Look at you, you little vixen, seducing my poor friends. I love it when people prove me right!"

--

"Breaker, breaker. This here's Rubber Duck. Come on guys. What's your twenty? Over." Selphie was pacing in front of the ticket window at the train station, tired, irritated, and upset. She had searched everywhere it seemed, but Rinoa and Zone were nowhere to be found.

"Hey Sef! This is Hotdog. I've looked at my mom's house, the hot dog cart by Fourth Street, and the House of Pancakes and Strudel, but I can't find them. Umm…over, I think."

"Cowboy? What's your twenty? Cowboy? Come on back now. Over."

"Cowboy? Irvine! Quit playing games. Do you copy? Over."

A low voice in her ear made her jump. "I'm right beside you sugar." Irvine laughed as Selphie pulled back her radio, ready to strike the owner of the mysterious voice. "I just wanted to find you myself. I saw Rinoa and Zone. They've been on the beach all morning. I would have called you earlier, but I was enjoying the view. Tourist season has started, and there were some very friendly girls that needed directions. Wish you had been there, darlin'."

"Well next time, call me, you jackass. I've been worried all day while you've been out whoring around. Are they okay? They just disappeared this morning without even saying bye. That's not like Rinny at all."

"Well, they looked fine to me. At least until Zone tried to take a picture of Quistis, then he took off like Ifrit was behind him playing with gasoline."

Selphie blinked twice. "Quistis who? Not my Quisty. She has a class today. Why would she be on a beach?" Hitting the radio again, Selphie contacted Zell. "Breaker, breaker. Hotdog. Do you copy? Target located. But we got a 476 on the 345. If we don't get there fast, we may have to clean up one hell of an 879. Get your ass to the train station on the double, or I'll stick a 451 in your 234. Got it? Over."

"Selphie, you really need to quit watching those trucker movies. I don't think you have any idea what you just said. Did you make that stuff up? Old Zell's probably gonna turn up here with a bazooka and a pink teddy bear for all the sense you just made."

"Rubber Duck, Rubber Duck. You copy? This here's Hotdog. I'll be 987 on that 476, but first I gotta shake these smokies that waltzed through my back door while I was 205-ing. I'll rendezvous at the 345 if they don't 759 my 387on the way. Over."

Sticking her tongue out at an astonished Irvine, Selphie responded to Zell. "That's a big 10-4, good buddy. We'll holler at ya on the flipside. Over."


	7. A Challenge

"I'm telling you. We ain't gonna find that fool today. He'd be the single dumbest sumbitch alive to show up here. Why don't we try back in Dollet?" Mick took another bite of his sandwich, tearing through the stale bread and sliced meat as if it had offended him.

"You just want to go back because you got laid the last time we went through. We ain't getting' paid if we don't find this Zone. And if we don't get paid, you don't get laid." Benny snorted at his little joke. "From what I remember, that little piece of ass didn't come cheap. This is where that cowboy makes the films, so he's bound to turn up around here sometime. Hold yer pecker in your pants 'til we find him. Then we talk to Moe, get our cash, and we both can party." He continued his sleepy surveillance of the crowded train platform. They had looked for the dumb kid for three days, excluding the time they spent watching the incoming female tourists. A good portion of Balamb's student body was adding to the swollen weekend population of the resort town.

"Hey! She was a quality lady. Ka-wall-i-tee. Nice set of knockers, too." Mick elbowed the stout figure of his partner, winking as more girls descended the train steps. "Although, I bet these gals have a thing or two they could show us too, don't you think?"

Benny shook his head. He never could understand why he always found himself caught in the middle of Mick's libido and the next paycheck. He'd rather have the cash than the girls. " Look at that little number. Girl that short ain't gotta bend far, you know what I mean? Even _you_ couldn't say no to that." His greedy eyes were fixed on a petite form that was shaking a handheld radio at a much taller companion. Watching her hips sway as the fighting duo left the station, he reconsidered his position on the stakeout. "Hey man. We might stay here and look for him after all. After all, that cowboy buddy of his lives around here, you know."

Benny pinched the bridge of his nose, praying that he could find this guy named Zone before he executed his partner for being a dumbass.

--

Zone sat on the hood of the rented car, his head in his hands. _I have to be the single dumbest sumbitch alive. I can't believe I told her that stuff. Not only does she hate me for the porn, now she'll think I'm an idiot, too. I don't know which is worse. Hell. Here they come. _He watched the girls ascend the battered wooden steps that led to the parking area. _Oh Hyne, she looks good in that hat. I hope she forgives me. The light is perfect right now. I have to take another picture. Shots like this are once in a lifetime. _Raising his camera, he hit the shutter release a few times, capturing the crossed patchwork of sunlight that freckled her shoulders through the thatched weave of the straw hat. _At least I'll have a great photo for Rin's album. It'll be a nice going away present, since I can't stay here any longer. I'll go crazy if I do._

"Well Zone. Are you hungry? I am. And Quistis has been up for hours, so she's bound to be starving. We've not even had breakfast yet." Rinoa opened the car doors, motioning the others to follow. Starting the engine, she tried to initiate conversation with her silent companions. "I know a great place. We'll get your pictures developed, shake the sand off our shoes and grab a bite." Quistis stared through the passenger side glass, twirling a strand of hair around one slim finger. Looking in the rear view mirror, Rinoa saw Zone alternate between fidgeting with his camera and fearfully glancing at Quistis' profile. _My goodness, they act like they've robbed a bank or something awful like that. I'll have to talk with both of them. So he's got a crush. What's the big deal? Oh, who am I kidding? It's Zone. The original Mr. Once-I-Get-Behind-A-Cause-I'm-Loyal-Forever kind of guy. Only now his cause isn't the Liberation of Timber, it's Quisty. _

_--_

"Wait Rin! Hey! Don't start the car yet…damn it. We just missed 'em." Selphie, Zell, and Irvine had met at the beach, hoping to prevent a bloody massacre. Irvine's description of Zone's quick retreat had all three worried that Quistis would stick him into the trunk of the nearest sturdy palm. "Hurry Irvy. Follow that car! Oh! I've always wanted to say that. Go faster! This car is built for speed, man! Push it!" Selphie, unable to find an outlet for her boundless energy, bounced in her seat as Irvine tried to avoid getting a traffic ticket.

"But Darlin', they're only going thirty-five. We'll hit 'em if I drive any faster. We're just a couple car lengths back. Besides, they're turning into Madame Cee's parking lot. I bet they're planning on lunch." Irvine pulled into a space across the street from Madame Cee's Tea and Bean Emporium, barely stopping before Selphie leapt from her seat and out of the door. She was already in action hero mode. "Let's move out people! Everyone locked and loaded? Quistis may already have him bagged and tagged! Oh wait…never mind. Huh. Whaddya know? He's still alive." Zell thought he detected a slight hint of disappointment in Selphie's voice. They entered the dim interior of Madame Cee's just a few steps behind their quarry. The lunch crowd was composed of regular customers, beach goers, and several Balamb students.

"Hey Rinoa! We've looked for you all morning. I wanted to say sorry! You didn't have to run away today." Selphie dived on Rinoa from behind, wrapping her arms around her neck. "Oh, don't hate me! I can't take it! I'll get all depressed and stuff. I don't like me when I'm unhappy!"

"Selphie. You might want to release her." Quistis attempted to pry Selphie from Rinoa's throat. "Let go. Now."

"Hold on Quisty. I'll apologize to you in a second."

"No Selphie, you've obstructed her airway. She's going to lose consciousness if you continue in this manner." Rinoa was indeed starting to turn a deep shade of blue that oddly matched her long skirt.

"Oh." Selphie quickly dropped her arms to her sides as Rinoa inhaled lungfuls of tea-scented air. "Sorry Quisty. I just wanted to apologize to you guys and make sure that you weren't going to kill Zone." Quistis blushed as she met the gaze of each of her friends. "I have no intentions of murdering anyone today. Why is everyone acting like this around me?" Embarrassment quickly turned to offended anger. "Never mind. I am no longer concerned. I'm hungry, I'm sitting at this table, and I'm ordering lunch. I'd request company, but since I'm apparently the future executioner of an old friend, I guess I'll eat alone." She snatched a menu from the hand of the petrified hostess and slid into a cushioned seat.

Zell, never one to allow threats of homicide prevent him from getting a meal, sat down across from Quistis and began perusing the list of teas, sandwiches, and various baked goods. Madame Cee baked the best muffins in Balamb. "I'm not scared of you Instructor Q. More food for us, eh?"

Irvine nervously chuckled as he sat down at the other end of the table, away from Quistis and any flatware that could serve as a weapon, while Selphie squeezed in at his side. Rinoa pushed Zone into the seat adjacent to Quistis, shaking her head at Selphie before taking the last chair. After placing their orders, an uneasy silence fell on the group.

"You know, the last time I came here, Madame Cee _herself_ threw me out." Zell interrupted the unhappy assembly as he remembered one of his shining moments. He puffed his chest out proudly. "It was a great day. I ate twenty-seven blueberry muffins and fifteen cranberry scones. And those are big-ass muffins. My record still stands. I am the King of Muffin Mountain."

"I think Zone could beat your record." That mischievous look was creeping back onto Rinoa's face.

"Never! Rin, how could you say such a thing? I had to prepare for weeks. There's no way he can beat it!"

"Well, you've obviously not seen him eat. Up for a challenge, Zell?"

"You better believe it sister. I told you. I'm the King, baby!"

Rinoa turned her chocolate eyes to the Timber eating machine. "You feeling lucky, Zone?"

"Mmm. Sure Rin. Whatever you say." Zone hadn't paid much attention to their conversation. Distracted enough by having Quistis at his elbow, he was trying unsuccessfully to navigate through the assortment of black, green, and herbal teas Madame Cee offered. _I thought tea was a weed you threw in hot water. What the hell is a Darjeeling? Some kind of weird monkey clown? Maybe an exotic mushroom? And I thought tea was brown, not black. Hyne. What I could really use is a nice shot of whiskey, especially after this morning._

"Fine, Heartilly. Bring your ringer. But when I win, you have to buy me hotdogs for a month." Zell flexed his jaws and stretched his neck, preparing for the muffin match.

"Fine, Dincht. When Zone wins, you'll have to baby sit Selphie." Dark brown eyes twinkled as Zell began to tremble. "I think she just ordered a mocha espresso."

Raising her hand, Rinoa summoned the waiter. "Hi. We need to make an addition to that order, please."

--

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

"What the hell is going on over there? Sounds like a keg party. Want to go check it out?"

Benny eyed the curtained establishment with distrust. "Naw man. Looks too tutti-frutti for a kegger. More like one of those smoking houses."

"Well either way, we're missing out. Let's go see what's going on before it's over." Mick dragged the protesting Benny to the chanting crowd gathered around the door of a place called Madame Cee's. "Look. A Madame! Maybe it's a whorehouse!" Mick pushed Benny through the cheering horde with growing enthusiasm. "We're missing a floor show, I bet! Come on! Move your ass!" He ducked and dodged until he reached the center of the restaurant. "Oh hell. It's just some dumb kids in a fucking eating contest. Let's go, man." He turned to leave, but Benny grabbed his arm. One of the participants seemed very familiar. "Look! It's that joker we've been looking for all this time. You'd think he'd have better sense, wouldn't you? Let's go watch for him to come out. We can't pop him in here. We'll follow him. See where he's shacked up. Call Moe. Tell him we found his guy."

--

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Zell and Zone were locked in a muffin battle to the death. Or at least until one combatant started to vomit. Whichever came first. Both had a large basket of blueberry muffins and a referee. Zell's muffins were counted by a whooping Irvine, while a cackling (and increasingly twitchy) Selphie tallied Zone's. Rinoa had Zone's camera, snapping photos of the dueling muffin men and the cheering spectators. Lunch patrons gathered around the table, placing bets on their champions and yelling obscenities at the opposition. The din carried into the street, bringing curious onlookers and gamblers alike into Madame Cee's.

"What ees goeeng on een here? Why ees there so much racket?" A short round form in a gaudy pink dress stormed into the pastry fray. "YOU! I thought I told you the last time, no more muffeens for you! Get out of my emporeeum, you deesgusteeng peegs! Go! Now!" Madame Cee was shaking her fist at Zell, looking like the world's largest and angriest ball of bubble gum.

"Take them out of here! I'll stay and take care of the bill. Just go!" Rinoa placed Zone's camera into Quistis' hands, then composed her features into what she hoped looked like the embodiment of disapproval. She was going to have to really depend on her acting skills to convince Madame Cee that she was disappointed in her friends.

--

Rinoa was not a tall girl, but she felt almost Amazonian compared to the dumpy Madame. "Hi Madame Cee. Wow. That is a _lovely_ shade of rose. It really brings out your, umm, cheekbones. I just wanted to apologize for the scandalous behavior of my associates...and pay double for any damages you might have sustained today."


	8. Ice Queen and Muffin King

Note: Used a few lyrics from the Smokey and the Bandit theme song. I don't know who wrote the lyrics, but Jerry Reed sang it back in the day. Rest his soul.

--------------------------------------

The queasy pair of warriors was dragged into the back alley by their respective judges. Barely making it out of the teashop, Zell was the first to lose lunch, breakfast, and, he was convinced, most of last nights dinner. Irvine patted his bodyguard on the back, doing his best to offer him some comfort. "You had him by two muffins, but you puked first. I don't know if that disqualifies you or not."

"HeeehEEEEE!!! Doesn't-matter-how-many-muffins-if-you-hurl-first-you're-sunk-so-let's-go-I'm-ready-to-go-do-something-find-a-monster-get-in-a-fight-go-mountain-climbing-oh-look-it's-a-squirrel-here-squirrelly-squirelly-you-can't-hide-from-me-you-furry-little-bastard-hey-Irvy-let's-go-go-gogogogogogogogo"

Irvine slapped his forehead as Selphie entered her weird nether-realm of _Kablooey_. "Selphie. Dearest. Why don't we go sit down somewhere and talk? Hmm? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Selphie pointed a vibrating finger at her tall boyfriend. "Now-see-here-you-want-fun-mister-I'll-give-you-fun-remember-that-time-we-found-that-slushee-machine-and-then-we-snuck-it-back-into-our-room-and-invited-that-contortionist-vacuum-salesman-over-and-we-found-out-what-the-hokey-pokey-is-all-about-and-then-we-had-to-go-out-and-buy-a-new-bed-cause-ours-fell-apart-well-I-want-to-do-that-again-so-lets-get-our-asses-to-a-convenience-store-and-borrow-their-mfffff!"

Irvine remembered _that_ particular night very well. Putting his hand over her mouth, he dragged the chattering Selphie back across the street to the car. _This car was built for speed, huh? Well, little lady, like that song you love so much, we're 'eastbound and down' now. 'We're gonna do what they say can't be done.' Hot damn, are we ever! _Yelling back at his nauseated partner, Irvine tried to make peace before he left. "Zell, I sure am sorry, but you'll have to catch a ride with Rin and Quistis. I, uh, have to take care of a very pressing matter. Selphie has a problem with her slushee machine and I'm the only one who knows how to operate that thing. Later!" Poor Zell, vomiting behind a dumpster, ignored his departing pal and prayed to Hyne for mercy.

---------------------------------------

Quistis followed her crew out of the Emporium's side door, walking slowly so she could avoid the explosion that was sure to happen once Selphie found something combustible. Leaning against the cool brick of the teashop, she waited for Rinoa to arrive. Zell was on his knees, alternately praying and spewing blueberry goo on the walls, while Zone was hovering at that point himself. _I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at a muffin the same way again. We certainly can't get them into a vehicle like this. I guess we're waiting until they've purged their systems. _Regarding the heavy camera Rinoa had pushed into her hands, Quistis pressed a button and watched the digital screen materialize. Flipping through photos, she waited for the sounds of retching to cease. _Hmm. These are actually very good. He does seem to be extremely talented. Quite an eye for detail. Pity he only wants to work with naked women. With such enormous potential, he could make quite a name for himself. _

"He's good, isn't he?" Rinoa leaned over Quistis' shoulder to take a peek at Zone's work. "Let me see. Oh look! This must be from the train. It's not even blurry. You can even see Garden over that hill. And this is really cool! Look at this twisty shell! I used to pick those up off the beach when I was a kid. He must have remembered that I always kept one on my dresser back in Timber." She smiled, recalling how upset he was when he dropped it one day, coiled mother-of-pearl bursting in a pink and silver cloud as it smashed onto the hard wood of her floorboards. He had begged forgiveness for months. "Ooh, these are of us! Sneaky devil. He got us when you wouldn't smile!" Quistis jerked the camera back from Rinoa, curious in spite of herself. "What? I didn't know he was even looking at us, much less taking pictures."

"Are you kidding? He's stared at you all day! He can't help himself." Rinoa laughed as the pink returned to Quistis' face. "But see how good we look! My hat looks great, don't you think? You know, you really look very pretty when you get mad. More than normal, I mean." Pointing to one particular photo, Rinoa continued, "See? He even got that little crinkle you get in your nose when you get all flustered. And look at your hair! It looks like it's _glowing_ with the sun behind it like that! These will go great on the wall. Forget the scrapbook. I want these framed!"

A plaintive voice sounded from behind the dumpster. "Hey Rinoa. Could you get me some water or something? I think I've finished."

"Hold on Zell!" Running back into the Emporium, Rinoa returned with some damp towels and two cups of soda water. "Here. Check on Zone. I've got a big baby named Zell that needs me."

Gingerly stepping around puddles of muffin and tea, Quistis met Zone at the only clean end left in the alley. He was leaning against the wall, hands on his knees, trying to regain his breath. "Are you okay? You seem rather shaky." Zone nodded, afraid to open his mouth again. "Are you sure? You are extraordinarily pale. Were you ill before you gorged yourself? Did you get too much sun this morning?" Placing a cool hand on his forehead, she tried to determine if Zone might have a fever. He looked much worse than Zell. She didn't realize that humiliation was the chief cause of his haggard appearance.

"No, really. I'm fine. I just ate way too much, way too fast. I can't believe I let her talk me into that. Next time she wants to win a bet, she'll be the one to eat thirty muffins, not me." Zone was having a considerable amount of trouble focusing on the conversation. Having her stand so very close, with that lovely hand on his face, was sorely testing his fortitude.

Laughing quietly, she wiped his face with one of the damp towels. "Yes, well. If it makes you feel any better at all, Zell was sick first, and so the ancient laws of bakery combat dictate that you are the victor, good sir." Zone gave her one of his shy smiles. "Yeah. I guess I'm the King of whatever the hell he was talking about earlier. This is definitely _not_ going home to Ma when I write. Puking in an alley isn't what I want on my list of accomplishments."

"Speaking of accomplishments, why don't you attempt something besides pornographic photography? We were looking at some of your photos while we waited for you to finish. They really are quite remarkable. You would certainly make your mother proud if she saw your work on the cover of _Galbadia Geographic_ or _Art in Esthar_, not some rag like _Girl Next Door. _And as for those movies, if you don't enjoy making them, then let Kinneas handle that department himself." Zone watched her mouth move as she praised his work. He had to make sure that her lips were really forming the words that his ears were hearing. He couldn't believe that she was actually complimenting his efforts_. _

Quistis handed his camera back to him, looking at his face to see if he had heard her proposals. She found his dark blue gaze slightly too intense for comfort. _Hmm. I don't believe it. He genuinely seems to be considering what I've said. I can't recall the last time someone actually _listened _to me_.

"Hey guys! What are you talking about?" Rinoa drifted towards the startled pair, with Zell dragging a few paces behind. She gave Quistis a sly wink and took her arm. Come on. I'll drive. We need to get these boys back to Garden."

-----------------------------------

"Did you see that little brunette? Man, oh man. I like these petite girls. I think I may build a summer home somewhere around here. Might even find me a short lil' brown haired girl and get hitched." Mick took a long drag on his cigarette, dropping the butt on the sidewalk before climbing in the rusty van.

"You can keep your little stubby short chicks. Did you see the legs on that blonde? They went on for _miles. _And what the hell do you mean, a 'summer home'? You gonna put blocks under this ugly damn van, or something?" Benny snorted at another of his terrible jokes. He thought he was remarkably clever, especially when compared to his dim-witted partner. "Let's just follow this asshole so we can get paid, alright, Mick?"

"Fine. But I'm gonna have that summer home one of these days, ya hear me?"


	9. Kablooey,Naked Chicks, and Naked Cowboys

Squall checked his clock again. Rinoa normally brought his lunch by 1300. She was never this late. Blowing hair out of his face, he signed a few more documents, initialed a peace treaty, and checked the time again. 1422. _Where the hell is she? I don't want to go into the cafeteria today, it's always packed. But I'm getting very hungry. Hell._

"Sir! We've got a problem!" A panicked voice from the intercom shattered the blessed silence. His secretary appreciated the fact that Squall would mind his business in his office, so she very rarely ever tried to interrupt him. Interruptions led to more work. More work meant less time to paint her nails or chat with her boyfriend. Today was different.

"What is it? If it's the Estharian council again, tell them I've just reviewed their settlement with the Dollet Dukedom, and I just need Xu to finalize. We're almost finished. Tell them I'm out of the office. Make something up."

"No sir! It's her again!"

_Her who? Not the Sorceress? She's finished. Oh Hyne! Rinoa! _Taking his gunblade from its sheath, Squall opened the door to find his secretary hiding under her desk. "Fran! Get Xu and Quistis. Tell them to set up a defensive shield and order a mandatory lockdown of Garden. Move!" He started to run down the hall, hoping that they could find the threat before lives were lost. "Sir! It's too late! She's already here! She's in the Quad, but nobody can catch her! Xu is down there already, and Quistis can't be found."

_We're too late then. I hope everyone is junctioned. It's going to be a hell of a fight._

Squall, already on his way, gave Fran a quick nod. Pressing the elevator button, he began a standard check of his weapon. Military discipline prevented him from allowing the blade to lose its killer edge, but he never went into a fight without a preliminary inspection. Satisfied that the gunblade was ready for battle, he descended to the first floor, noting the panicked students fleeing the Quad. Smoke was rising from a vending machine, a small tree was burning, and faint trail of some red substance could be seen leading to a row of benches. _Is that blood? Looks too bright. Rinoa, I hope you're okay. This has to be a nightmare. I can't lose you; I just can't go through that again. _Pushing through the masses, Squall saw a familiar brown hat._ Irvine! Thank Hyne! Now we have a chance. Wait. Where are his clothes? And what is that spinning thing on that bench? Is that…_? "Shit." Sheathing his weapon, he tapped Irvine on the shoulder.

"Now Darlin', we can't leave our room, I told you that already. These fine folks don't like it when you drink that coffee. They get a little nervous. Let's go back and finish what we started." Irvine, standing naked (Well, mostly naked. He was still wearing his hat and boots.) in front of the rotating form of his girlfriend, greeted Squall with a sheepish grin and a lazy salute. "Howdy there, sir. Looks like we got a little problem. We had the camcorder on, the slushee machine was set to Cheery Cherry, and she was wearing that cute little cheerleader outfit. Then, she started jabbering about chasing birds and finding the meaning of life. So, next thing I know, we're here in the Quad and an alarm is ringing." Squall clenched his teeth, uncomfortable in the presence of a nude cowboy and a seemingly coffee-demon possessed Selphie. "Slushee Machine? Camcorder? Cheery Cherry? _That would explain the trail of red sludge. _What the hell are you talking about? And couldn't you have at least put on a pair of pants before you followed her?"

"Pants?" Irvine looked down at himself. Then he looked farther down. "Oh yeah…I sometimes forget about those. That girl is a _wildcat_ once she gets started." Squall raised his hand for silence. He was not interested in hearing the sexual exploits of two of his finest SeeDs. "Get her out of here before Xu finds her. And for the love of Hyne, put on some pants. I don't want to go through the paperwork for _Kablooey _part two. And I sure as hell don't want to be here when Xu sees you in that outfit."

--

"I can't believe you guys are hungry already. Seriously. That's kind of gross." Rinoa had only driven three miles outside of Balamb city limits before Zell had asked her to turn back to get a pizza and a milkshake. She noticed that a white van turned along with them. _Hmm. Tourists. Typical. They get lost, and then follow someone local back into town. _

"But Rinoa, we lost what we had eaten in that alley back there, so it's not like we actually _ate_ anything. Makes perfect sense." Zell turned to his adversary/buddy in the back seat with a look of triumph. "Don't you think so, Zone? Zone?" Zone merely grunted a reply. His attention was focused on the blonde seated closely next to him. Besides that, he didn't want to risk eating anything else for a few more hours.

Quistis was looking over Zone's shoulder at his photo collection while he explained how light and shadow, time and weather, subject choice and various conditions, could all affect composition. She was increasingly impressed by his sincerity and enthusiasm. "Now this one, I had to wait twenty minutes for the water to splash _just right_. And this one, the birds flew into the sunlight, so I had to wait until they circled round again. And this one, ooh, better not show you these." He tried to hit the power button, but Quistis was too fast for him. She snatched the camera and began flipping through his photos for _Girl Next Door. _Frowning, she was surprised to see that they weren't as bad as she expected. True, the girls were naked, and some were in ridiculously skimpy costumes, but the skills of master photographer Zone were evident in every shot.

"I, umm, I didn't mean for you to see these. They aren't my best work. I really hope you don't take them the wrong way." Quistis turned her sapphire eyes to Zone, noticing how nervous he could get when faced with a difficult situation. It was almost cute. "Nonsense. Just because I am not particularly enamored of your choice of subject matter, doesn't mean that I can't still be impressed with your skills. Take this one for example. I don't care for her umm, her diamond thong very much, but I can see what you were telling me about illumination versus shadow. It's very, umm. It's… Well. I won't say that it _dazzles _the eye, but it is certainly very sparkly." Quistis next pointed to a tall girl with long black hair and glossy crimson lips. "And here. She is obviously pouting a bit too much, and her lipstick is not at all right for her complexion, but you've shot her so it isn't quite as glaring." Smiling at the shocked expression on Zone's face, she handed his camera back with a wink. "I promise you. I'm not quite the vengeful harpy Irvine and the rest would have you believe. It's simply been a maddening few days. I don't care if you and Irvine video the entire Garden naked, I simply do not wish to be dismissed because of it. Please try to understand." She finished her plea with a long sigh. "Now. Show me the rest of your photographs. I want to see the Great Battle for Mount Muffin again…you know, before it erupted. All over Madame Cee's back alley." She smiled again as Zone burst into laughter, causing Rinoa to look in the rearview mirror.

"What is so funny? And why are you two being so secretive? Hmm?" _And why the hell is that van still behind us?_

"Yeah…and who brought muffins? You better not even begin to think I didn't hear you talking about food. I'm wasting away up here and you want to be greedy. Are you two in with the cafeteria ladies? Wait until I tell Selphie." Zell spun around to angrily point at Quistis and Zone. "We're watching, you know. I thought you were on our side. This hurts Instructor Q. I can't believe you'd betray us like this."

She regarded her former student's hurt countenance with a mixture of sympathy and amusement. "Oh, have no fear, Zell. My loyalty to your cause is interminable. I merely stated that I regret being unable to consume a blackberry muffin before we were banished from Madame Cee's." Zell looked to Rinoa for a translation.

"She said she was still with you guys. She just didn't get a muffin before we left."

"Oh. Good then." Reassured, Zell faced forward again, fiddling with the radio. "But I'm still watching you, Zone. I don't trust you Timber folks mixing with cafeteria types."

Zone began to reply, but froze when he suddenly felt movement and warm breath against his neck. Whispering in his ear, Quistis said, "I think it would be better to let him win the next time you guys have an eating contest. Zell is rather sensitive. I don't know if his pride will recover without a rematch. Perhaps you could suggest one once we get in Garden." Watching Zell closely, she returned to her side of the seat and started twirling her hair around her fingers. She missed the yearning look Zone gave her as she pulled from his side.

Rinoa, seeing the merged shadows quickly separate in the mirror, shifted gears as she pulled the car into the garage. She was aching to ask Quistis what she had said to Zone, but she was also beginning to wonder why that rusted van had followed them from town. _Odd. I've never seen that vehicle in the Garden garage. Wait. Why is it going by after following us all this way? _"Hey Zone? Do you know anybody that drives an older model white van with Timber plates? And a cardboard window? One just passed us, but it followed us all the way from the Emporium."

"What?" The change in Zone's voice drew the attention of everyone in the car. _Hyne. Fat Moe has me now. I've seen that van at his warehouse. Damn. Where do I go now? _"Rin, I need to get back to your room and get my stuff. I have to go." 

--

"Good work boys. Keep an eye on him."

"You don't want us to blow his brains out?" Mick tried to hide the disappointment in his voice, but he had long looked forward to popping this guy and claiming his cash.

"No. And never question me again." The faulty connection in the line could not conceal the malice in Fat Moe's tone. "I simply want him observed for now. I need to have a word with my good friend before I sever my relationship with him. I've wanted to see this flying Garden for some time now. Perhaps now is my chance to see this wonder for myself. Just don't let him out of your sight. I'll keep in touch." Mick sighed as the connection was lost.

"Well, what do we do now?" Benny was pacing along the side of the road as Mick spoke with their boss. Being slightly more patient than Mick, he wondered if he should have been the one to call Moe.

"What the hell have we _been _doing? We bloody damn wait some more. Moe said he'd come down himself to have a talk with this Zone. I wish he'd get here quick. I want my money."

_--_

Moe set the receiver down with a soft _click_. He shifted his ponderous weight from his rear to his feet as he stood from his desk and stretched. A series of satisfying cracks made their way down the length of his spine. _Finally getting some results from those idiots. It's a shame about Zone though. I always liked that kid. Smart as hell and one good head for business. He made me hell of a lot of money. I wish he had never stolen it from me. Oh well. Sucks to be him._

Pressing a button on his intercom, he yelled for his assistant. "Marvin! Get my luggage ready. We're taking a little trip to see an old friend. Oh, and pack a bathing suit for me. They have nice beaches in Balamb."

Marvin, a thin, balding man with large glasses, was almost asleep as the intercom blasted into his ear. "Ye-yes sir." Jumping at the noise, he finished his calculations and turned off his lamp. _I hope the people in that town are blind. I sure wouldn't want to see Moe in a Speedo. They'll mistake him for a whale and try to send him back to sea. _Snorting and wheezing in a sad impersonation of laughter, Marvin shuffled down the hell to fetch some clothes for his boss.


	10. Thrown to the Mercy of Hurricane Trepe

"Zone! Slow down! Where are you going?" Rinoa was panting as she ran after a surprisingly swift Zone. "That's the training center! Stop! You don't even know where you're going, do you?" He stopped just as he was going to open the door that would probably lead to his death or piece-by-bloody-piece dismemberment.

"I know exactly _where _I'm going. I just don't remember how to get there."

"Well, you still need my keycard to get in, silly. But I'm not letting you in until you tell me what that was all about! Are those some of the guys after you?" Rinoa stamped her foot, putting emphasis on every other syllable, hoping to make an impression. It instead made her look like a circus horse with the ability to count single numerals.

Zone nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "That van probably belongs to one of Fat Moe's goons. If they followed us today, then that's because they know I'm here. It's not quite five o' clock yet. I can be gone before the sun sets. Please Rin. I have to get out of here before someone gets hurt."

"Well, well. This is interesting. And to think that I believed you when you told me he was here to assist me. So what is it? Did you film the wife of some politician? His daughter, perhaps? Do you owe money? Oh, how deliciously droll. That's it, isn't it?"

Zone and Rinoa immediately stopped speaking when they heard the clipped footsteps behind them. If Quistis had seemed a little upset earlier in the day, she was now positively dripping venom. "Why didn't you inform me that his primary motivation was concealment from an outside threat? Garden code 298, paragraph 14, lines 22-24, clearly states, '_If at any time members of a populace (said populace must be contained within one of the fourteen shared Garden territories illustrated in table 23) are under imminent and/or unavoidable threat of attack, invasion, or assault; the Gardens may serve as a temporary base and/or fortress, until such threat is eliminated or neutralized.' _Timber is in territory twelve, so Zone could have gone to either Galbadia or Balamb Gardens for protection." She narrowed her eyes to dangerous blue slits. "Protection, indeed. Do you really think this _Moe_ stands a chance against one of the most highly trained and respected fighting forces in the world?" Rinoa tried to interrupt, but Quistis silenced her with a single raised finger. "Do me a favor, _Rin_. Next time your _buddy_ is here to hide from some thugs, don't try telling me he's here to help save my job. Don't insult me like this."

Rounding on Zone, she tried to continue her tirade, but she was too exhausted and hurt to fully release her rage. Tears were starting to cloud her vision, but she'd be damned if she would allow any to fall. "And you! You, you…you just…pretend… stand there and listen…and then you…you…damn it all! Never mind!" Zone opened his mouth to speak, but with one final disappointed glance, she turned from him and walked away.

--------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell happened here?"

Zell met a dazed Irvine dragging a mop and bucket to the quad. The smoke had dissipated, but there were still intermingled trails of scorched marble and Cheery Cherry slushee residue lining the halls. "What have you been doing? Where's Selphie?"

"Well…She ordered that espresso earlier and I thought I was man enough to handle her, but I need a saddle and a rodeo clown to help me out when she gets going like that." He looked at Zell with a mischievous smirk. "But I didn't mind at all. I've never had that much fun in my life. She's in bed right now, sleeping it off."

Zell's head swiveled from ceiling to floor, surveying the peculiar blasting pattern that remained after Selphie tried to use a coat hanger and live ammunition to retrieve a candy bar from a stubborn vending machine. He reminded himself to ensure that Selphie had easy, _immediate_ access to chocolate the next time they got together to play video games. He managed a long, low whistle at the smoldering devastation. "Did she actually get the candy, or did it melt in the inferno? She is kind of determined once she wants something, isn't she?" Irvine chuckled. "You have no idea, partner. I think next time; we'll go camping and make some coffee outdoors. Then she can destroy whatever the hell she wants. And it won't cost Xu a single gil. Besides, I've got some great ideas for a new series of movies. And Selphie is all for it! She wants to star in a few. Just gotta think of the perfect title…"

-------------------------------------------------------

"No. Don't be stupid. You are not going anywhere tonight. We'll talk to Squall when he gets in from work and figure out how to take care of these guys." Rinoa pushed Zone back into her room and slammed the door. "Now, just sit down, and we'll think of something."

"Come on, Rin. I'm not even worried about those assholes anymore. I just can't stay here any longer." Zone threw his bag on the floor and started pacing. His mind was filled with depressing images of blazing blue eyes and pooling tears. "Did you even _see_ that look she gave me? She fucking hates me. I have to get out of here."

"Who? Quistis?" Rinoa blinked hard, trying to avoid getting emotional and weepy. She knew Zone would really lose it if she started crying. "I'm sorry Zone. That was my fault. I should have told her why you were here from the very beginning." Her eyes followed him as he walked back and forth, over and over again. He seemed determined to wear a hole in Rinoa's favorite braided rug. "And stop pacing. It's driving me batty." Grabbing his wrist, she pulled Zone down to the couch with her. "And she doesn't hate you. I'd almost swear that she likes you. That may be why she is pitching _such_ a fit. I think we hurt her feelings."

Zone covered his face and groaned. "You really are funny, Rin. Seriously, I'm going to go see all of your shows when you go on your comedy tour. Funny stuff. Ha ha. Ow! What was that for?" Zone rubbed the back of his head where Rinoa's hand had slapped him.

"That's for being a smart-ass. And this one," She slapped him again, much harder this time. "Is for thinking that she couldn't be fond of you. And this one…Hey! No dodging! I'm just trying to knock some sense into you!" She laughed as he hit the floor, covering his head like they had been taught to do in air raid drills. He cautiously raised his head from the rug, indigo eyes searching for the next attack. "Get up, silly. I'm not going to hit you again."

He warily sat on the edge of the couch, watching carefully as Rinoa turned to look him squarely in the face. "Now, listen to me, Zone. You're the good-looking, talented, nice guy that made the fearsome Quistis Trepe laugh. I think you should go talk to her. Whatever you were doing earlier obviously worked. She hasn't been that happy in a long time." Rinoa giggled loudly as Zone blushed. "Oh, don't get me wrong. She's furious right now, but you pulled her out of that wicked mood once, surely you can do it again. It would appear that you are able to do _something_ for her that no one else can do. It's either that, or you have magical powers."

"Are you talking about the same Instructor Trepe I know?" An exhausted Squall entered the living room, bringing a curious burnt cherry odor in with him. "Wow, Zone. That really is quite an accomplishment."

"See. I told you so!" Standing to give Squall a kiss, Rinoa instead wrinkled her nose at the smell of slushee syrup and burnt fichus tree that lingered in his hair. "Whoo. That smells really familiar. Selphie and _Kablooey _again?"

"Who else? Long story. I'll tell you later. I don't want to relive it right now." Squall closed his eyes at the memory of helping Irvine carry Selphie back to her room. They had been forced to place her in a burlap sack to restrain her rapidly moving limbs. He still ended up with a black eye and a few sore ribs, while Irvine had to see Dr. Kadowaki for some facial x-rays. "And what are you talking about? What happened to Quistis?"

Rinoa related the day's events (skipping the part about Selphie purchasing the espresso in her presence) leading up to the argument in the hallway. "And now I think that Zone can work his voodoo again and cheer her back up. You should have seen her today. It was like having the old Quisty back."

"Hmm… Hey, Rinoa. Let's go out and get some dinner. I want to get out of Garden for a couple of hours. You get ready while I grab a shower." Rinoa squealed as she ran into the bedroom to get dressed. She loved going on dates with her handsome boyfriend.

"Zone, I'd invite you to dinner, but I think you need to go talk to Quistis. Trust me, she never stays mad for long. She's a very forgiving girl." Squall thought for a second, vaguely remembering a long ago conversation. "Now that I think about it, all the responsibilities and pressure _have_ been pretty hard on her. I guess it comes from being so smart and so damned ambitious. She's never really had a sounding board for what was bothering her. I don't know, just try listening to her. That may be all that she needs." After pushing a protesting Zone out of the door, Squall removed his uniform and threw it in the trash. That smell would never come out of the fabric. Now he just hoped to be able to get the sticky cherry syrup out of his hair.


	11. A Change in Weather Patterns

'_Just talk to her. You have magic powers. Oh Zone, you're so damn perfect.' Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, right. If I were so fucking perfect, I wouldn't have caused this mess in the first place. Well, here I am. What do I do now? _

Zone stood grumbling to himself in front of Quistis' door, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, unable to summon the courage to knock. _Oh hell. Just knock, say you're sorry, and leave quickly. _Holding his breath, he pounded on the door, making the frame vibrate. He could faintly hear a low stream of muttering from the other side. _"Who the hell is banging on my damned door, I just want to grade these papers, go to bed, pretend today never happened, just want to sleep…" _The muttering ceased when the door zipped open on its automatic runners. Quistis stood in front of Zone, hands full of reports and exams. Her right hand and most of the papers were stained with red ink. _Either her students are dumb as hell, or she is still in a really, really bad mood. Must be a tough class. _

"Yes?"

"Um. Hi Quistis. I forgot that you had automatic doors here."

"Mmm. We also have doorbells. Marvelous inventions. They work wonders in civilized societies. Simply ring a bell to request entry. Until just a second ago, I thought they had eliminated the need to hammer on doors and scare the hell out of people. I'm sure you realize that it is getting rather late."

"Yeah. Sorry about that. But isn't tomorrow Saturday? Forget it. Anyway, do you have a second?"

"Actually, I am extraordinarily busy right now. I've squandered an entire day that should have been spent on my work. I'm afraid that I don't have time for any more frivolity. You'll have to excuse me." She turned to retreat back into her room, when Zone gently laid a hand on her arm. "Please? I'll only take a minute. May I come in?"

Blowing hair out of her face, she reluctantly moved to the side, allowing him to enter. Neatly stacking the papers on the small counter that divided her living space from the rest of her dorm, she crossed her arms and stood to face Zone. "Well? What is so important that you felt the need to disturb me this late?"

Zone tried to swallow a lump that kept lodging in his throat. "I just wanted, that is, I thought I might, umm…oh, I really wanted to…" Quistis raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to sort his thoughts. "Zone. Stop. Take a deep breath and sit down." Taking his hand, she sat next to him on the couch, unconsciously slipping into her role as the patient instructor. "Now, Zone. What were you going to tell me?"

Zone stared at Quistis until she started to feel her cheeks burning. _Hyne, how does he do that every time he looks at me? _"Rinoa told me to stop by and apologize. Then…"

"Oh. _Rinoa_ wanted you to apologize. Right." Quistis softly interrupted Zone before he could ask forgiveness. _Rinoa, Rinoa. Damn it, always Rinoa. She's one of my best friends and I love her, but why must everything always revolve around Rinoa Heartilly? I think the world would stop spinning if she wished it. Story of my life, I suppose. She's everyone's princess and I'm the palace chambermaid. _

"No! I mean, she did, but I was going to try to make it here anyway. I really wanted to tell you that I didn't mean to lie or hurt your feelings earlier. I'm going to leave in the morning and wanted to say goodbye. So, um, sorry and goodbye." He finished lamely and stood to leave. _Well, not as eloquent as I would have liked, but the result is the same. _

"Are you mental?" Her head snapped up, shock flashing across her features. "You can't leave. You have hired guns waiting for you outside the gates and I'm willing to bet that they don't intend on greeting you with flowers and candy. Do you have some strange desire to be executed? You'll at least be safe here at Garden."

"No. You don't understand. I've planned on leaving since we went to the beach today. I really just can't stand to be around you anymore." _No, that's not what I meant to say. Oh Hyne. She looks hurt. I wanted to say that you are the most beautiful creature on the planet and you are driving me fucking crazy. _

"Oh?" Her jaw dropped. She hadn't been slighted like that since the night she first lost her instructors license. After losing her position, she had sought a little compassion from Squall. Being an instructor had alienated her from others her own age, thus preventing the formation of any real friendships. He told her to talk to a wall if she needed so badly for someone to listen to her problems. She hoped to never again feel so unwanted. _Wow. This is certainly familiar. I can't even pretend that didn't sting. Ouch. What have I ever done to make people push me so far away? I had no idea I was quite that repellent._

As he looked down at her cold blue eyes, he thought that he could feel the temperature in her room drop. "Why the HELL did you even bother to come here and apologize? Does it make the ultimate insult that much more rewarding for you? Are you that sick, Zone?"

"No, no! That came out all wrong. Oh damn it. I meant…"

The combination of being insulted, potentially losing her job, memories of rejection, and the ever-constant jealousy she felt for Rinoa proved to be too much for Quistis. She didn't bother trying to check the flow of tears now. They streamed down her face, strands of blonde hair adhering to her cheeks. Voice breaking, she tried to show him the door. "I don't care what you meant. Go! Get out of my sight."

"No! Listen to me. Please, Quistis!" She tried forcing him towards the door, but he refused to budge. He was determined to make himself clear before leaving her alone in her drab room. Since he wouldn't walk, she started pummeling his chest and arms. Years of military training and constant exercise meant that Quistis could punch and jab like a heavyweight contender. Zone grabbed her wrists and pinned her against the wall to prevent any more blows from falling on him. _ Hyne, this woman is strong as hell. I thought Squall could hit hard, but she could probably kick his ass. _Panting from effort, his face inches from hers, he tried once more to reason with the crying instructor. "Stop. Let me finish. I _meant_ that I've been going crazy since I set foot in this place. Rinoa told me how upset you were about the videos. She explained that you may lose your job and Irvine and I are responsible for it. Do you know how hard it is for me to look at you and know that you hate me for screwing you over like that?"

Zone loosened his grip as some of the tension in Quistis' body relaxed. He realized then how close he had been holding her. "You are still the single prettiest woman I've ever seen in my life. Do you even realize just how beautiful you are? It's a wonder that you don't have this entire school in love with you. I wouldn't be able to learn a damn thing if I was ever in one of your classes." He swallowed that obnoxious lump again, forcing himself to continue as some of the ice melted from her face. He watched her take several deep breaths, regaining some of her former composure. "You just always look so sad about everything. I can't stay here knowing that I've caused you so much trouble. Before I go, I'm going to talk to Irvine and make him quit filming here. Then we'll have a word with your Headmaster. You'll not be fired because of us. I'll make sure of it. Then I'm gone before Moe finds a way to hurt Rin or Irvine. Or you."

Zone released her wrists, hoping that she wouldn't punch him again. His chest and arms were getting sore. "_That _is what I meant when I said I couldn't stand being around you any longer." He rotated his arm, testing the movement of his shoulder. "Now, please don't hit me anymore. Damn. You hit like a man. I feel like I've just played fullback for the Galbadian Lions with no pads or helm--"

His words were cut off as he felt Quistis press her lips into his. _Oh well…that's it then. I must have led a good life. She's killed me and I'm in heaven. I'd always hoped it would be like this, but with a huge buffet and a giant sports bar too. And if this is heaven, then why does my shoulder still hurt so much? _In his confusion, he tried to pull away. He thought he could feel her mouth curve into a smile as she wound her fingers into his black hair. Mumbling against her lips, he asked, "What're you doing? Don't stop or anything crazy like that, but how do you go from punching me to _this_? Wow."

She started laughing as she pulled him down once more. "Oh, shut up Zone. You know, you really need to rehearse your lines before you try to speak. You can be incredibly frustrating, not to mention utterly confusing."

-----------------------------------------------

"Well, Rin. Do you think Quistis has killed him yet?"

"Oh hush, Squall. You didn't see how mad she was when she overheard us. I think sending him alone was a bad idea." Rinoa picked at her food, eyebrows drawn together in a deep frown.

"Come on. She won't hurt him." He smiled at Rinoa's worried expression. "At least I don't think he'll be hospitalized."

Rinoa looked over her wine glass at Squall and tried her best to scowl. It was hard to stay angry when he was in one of his infrequent silly spells. "It's _not_ funny. Besides, if she even raises her voice, it might completely destroy him. I've never seen him like this before."

"He's that bad, huh? Do you think she can see it? She has trouble reading signals at times."

"Bad? Bad doesn't begin to cover it." She stabbed at her plate, piercing an overcooked piece of broccoli. "And yeah, she knows. I told her myself. The funny thing is, I almost thought that she was beginning to like him as well. He made her _smile_, Squall. And not just that little half-smile smirky thing she does when she gets her papers graded on time, either. Or that scary one she gets when she kills something big and scaly." Squall dodged her fork as she waved it for emphasis. "If it wasn't for Zone being hunted by hit men and the porn and the whole might-lose-her-job thing, I'd try to fix them up. They'd make a cute couple." The broccoli spear that had previously been impaled on her fork was suddenly launched into the air, landing in a bowl of soup at a neighboring table. Rinoa quickly put her hands in her lap as the soup-soaked couple scanned the dining room for the idiots that would _dare _attack them with aerial produce.

Squall winced as the well dressed gentleman tried to wipe tomato soup from his date's expensive dress. "Umm, Rinoa. We should go before they see us. You just splashed the Trabian ambassador and his new mistress. I have to meet with him in a couple of days to discuss a SeeD transfer program. It would be a bad start to negotiations if he saw my girlfriend shoot broccoli at his head." Rinoa eagerly nodded, happy to go home so she could check on Zone and avoid an international incident with furious Trabian dignitaries.

-------------------------------------------------

"…and they only hired me back because of so many teaching vacancies following the Sorceress War." Quistis sleepily finished her tale, yawning as she lay her head back down on Zone's chest. The past few rather vigorous hours had sapped her remaining energy. "I'd been preparing for a higher position, but I think that is simply out of the question now. I guess if I'm fired from teaching again, Xu will still allow me to go on SeeD missions. But I'll really miss my students."

"Try not to worry too much. There isn't anything that can be done about it tonight. Unless you want to go pecking on Xu's door dressed like _that_. I'd give you any job you wanted if you showed up on my doorstep wearing nothing but sheets, but she may not be so generous." She thumped him again, but with much, much less force than before. "No, I don't think she'd be nearly as happy to see me like this as you." Zone, grinning, started to run his fingers through her hair, but instead found his hand enmeshed in her snarled locks. "Wow. That is really, really tangled. How did we manage to do that?"

Quistis laughed as he tried to untangle her long hair. "Just give it up, Zone. I'll have to use a whole bottle of conditioner for such a twisted mess. It'll have to wait until morning though. I'm exhausted." She leaned into him and stole another soft kiss. "G'night." Zone smiled as she tunneled next to his warmth, burying her head under the blankets. She was asleep in seconds. In spite of his fatigue, he found he couldn't sleep. He was afraid that he would wake up to find that these last hours were all just a wonderful, crazy dream. 


	12. Codes and Confessions

_Ring._

_Ring, ring, ring._

_Ring._

Selphie's hand fell on the nightstand, knocking over her alarm clock and a full glass of water in an attempt to answer the telephone. Post-_Kablooey_ episodes for Selphie were the caffeine equivalent of hangovers. Sparks danced in front of her bloodshot eyes, causing her to bury her face in the pillow. The spiteful sun was in league with the cafeteria workers, it seemed.

"Urghhh…What? Oh, hey Rin. No, I've not seen him. A gangster? No. _No, _I told you. Calm down! I'm sure he's fine. He went _where?_ And you're worried about some rinky-dink gangster? No, I'm getting dressed. Yeah, I'll see you in a few. Bye."

_Oh fuck. My head hurts. Aspirin, where the hell is the aspirin? _"Irvy! Wakey, wakey! Eggs and…Hey! Don't you ignore me, buster!" Selphie pounced on Irvine's prone figure, making him growl in protest. "Come on. I need to get some aspirin, and then we have to meet Rinoa. Then we…" Selphie stopped talking as she absorbed the state of their bedroom. "Irvy, why is the mattress on the floor? And who put that hole in the ceiling?"

Irvine lifted his head from the floor and sighed as Selphie bounced on the mattress. "Well, Little Miss Hellcat, you got a hold of some coffee yesterday and went haywire. Squall and me finally dragged you back here, then you wore me slap out. It was fun. But the quad is closed for repairs and Xu is on the rampage."

"Oh Irvy. Why didn't you keep me out of there?"

"Well darlin', I tried, but I can't hold you when you start twirling like that. Plus, you kept throwing your pom-poms in my face. I love that outfit, by the way."

"Oh well. They'll have to forgive me. But get up! We have to help Rinny find Zone. She kept talking about some gangster out to drink his blood and she can't find him and Squall sent him to talk to Quistis alone and now Rin thinks that Zone is dead in an alley cause of this vampire crime lord and I told her that she was silly if anything Quistis killed him and _she_ drank his blood cause she's kinky like that and then Rin…"

"Selphie! Slow down! What are you talking about? How many words did you just string together? And that gangster isn't a vampire. Bloodthirsty, maybe, but he's just a regular money-hungry criminal. He's mad at Zone because Old Zee has been sending part of the profits from _Garden Girls_ to me to give to Garden. That's why Zone is holed up with Rin right now." Irvine watched Selphie's face light up as she pieced together fragments of the past week. "But you're right. I'm more worried that Quistis strangled him than I am about Fat Moe. He can't even get in here without an awfully strong army. Ah hell, let's go find 'em before we have to attend a funeral."

--

Rinoa placed the phone on the receiver and resumed pacing the floor. _So, he didn't come back last night, his clothes and camera are still here, and he didn't stay with Irvine. Should I call Quistis? She's still so mad at me. _"Hey honey! Wake up. I can't find Zee." Shaking Squall's shoulder, she continued running through scenario after gruesome scenario. "What if he left last night and they shot him? What if they dropped him into the ocean? What if…? Oh Squall, get dressed. Let's go find him. I'm so worried."

"Urghhh. Rinoa, I'm sure he's fine. Lemme sleep some more. It's Saturday." Rolling back over, Squall promptly went back to sleep.

"Well, _fine_! But if I have to drag his mangled body out of a ditch, you're gonna be the one to answer for it!" Rinoa grabbed her purse and slammed the door as she left. She mentally ticked off locations where it would be likely to find Zone. Knowing his appetite, she figured the best place to start searching would be the cafeteria. _I hope he's sitting there eating waffles instead of eating lead, or whatever it is that those movie gangsters say before they shoot someone. _

After her outburst, Squall pulled himself out of bed and stumbled to the closet. He threw on some jeans and a crumpled t-shirt and followed Rinoa as she stormed up the hallway. "Hey! Wait. I'm coming." _Hyne, I better follow her. She'll never let me forget about this if I don't humor her. Zone had better be bloody or bruised. I might kill him if he's not already dead._

--

"Impressive. Very impressive. I must thank you, Headmaster. I've dreamt of seeing this Garden for several years now."

"You are more than welcome, Mr. Galick…Mr. Galican… Please forgive me. I have such trouble pronouncing your last name."

"Oh no. I insist you call me Moe. I'd be flattered to have my name spoken by such a lovely woman, Madame Headmaster."

Xu had been surprised when her secretary called her to the office on a Saturday. She was even more surprised when she was informed that Garden would be given an enormous donation in exchange for a two-hour tour. But even that couldn't surpass her astonishment at the sheer size of the generous, though decidedly eccentric, millionaire. _Hyne, I hope he doesn't expect Garden to fly with him onboard. All of his extra weight would blow the engines._ She forced herself to smile at the massive man walking beside her. "Well then, Moe. We've now seen the training center, library, and the classrooms. I hate that the quad is closed. We had…an incident. Would you be interested in joining me for a coffee in the cafeteria? From there, we can circle back to the main hall and finish viewing the new murals."

"Cafeteria, eh?" Moe's pace quickened, making Xu hurry to catch up with him. "My, that sounds delightful."

_Oh, I just bet it does, you great walking lump. Hurry up, look around, and eat all the hot dogs. I don't care. Just get your jollies and leave the check. And quit staring at my ass. I'd gladly blacken your piggy little eyes for you if it wouldn't prevent us getting your money. Ugh. This man is repulsive._

"After you, sir. The cafeteria is just down this passage."

--

_Explain in greater detail._

_Refined from dark matter, not blue matter._

_Stop sending me love letters in code. I KNOW what that means and I do not appreciate it._

Quistis thoughtfully chewed the cap of her pen. The Trepies were certainly getting much better at expressing their admiration for their idol. The flowers and cards stopped long ago when they figured that such a cerebral woman would much rather have a clever gift. Instead of candy, she was finding coded messages in exams, puzzle boxes on her desk, and once, an elaborate equation written on her board. When she solved the long problem, the final answer, (QT/JS equals infinity), made her laugh out loud. _Oh, they're driving me crazy, but they are getting very good at this. I should be flattered. After all, I taught them to be such cunning little bastards._ She used her favorite rose stationary to write a reply for a cocky student named Jenner Stille.

_Dear Jenner, _

_There is a problem with your math. QT is indivisible by JS because JS is nothing but the personification of arrogance. No part or parts of QT shall ever divide for conceited worms with initials JS. You will never find QT on top of JS, nor will you ever find QT under JS. The only infinity you can hope to find with me is an infinite world of pain if you continue to harass me in this manner. Keep the innuendo to yourself. You are in my class to learn. Stick to your studies or get out of my class. _

_Sincerely, _

_QT_

No more math problems were written on her board after word spread about that little incident. It had done nothing to stop the codes, though.

The pen scratched its merry scarlet path down rows of figures and lines of essays. Quistis always thought that red was the ideal color for grading papers. Sure, one could mark mistakes with green or blue ink, but only red seemed so damn_ happy_ to tear apart a student's best efforts.

"You know, most people sleep in on Saturdays." Quistis looked over her glasses to a drowsy Zone. "There aren't a whole lot of folks that grade reports before the sun rises." He snatched the pile of essays from her lap and lazily threw them in the floor. "There. That's much better."

"Hey! My students expect those to be graded by Monday. They're accustomed to punctuality."

"Ah, let 'em wait a day or two. It won't hurt 'em and it may do you some good. You really need to relax. Now, gimme that pen!" Her red pen was the next victim of Zone's thievery. He winked as he tucked it behind his ear. "How about some breakfast? I'm starving. We burned a lot of calories last night."

Rolling her eyes, Quistis was prepared to make a flippant remark, but her stomach must have sensed what she planned. It growled before she could answer him. "Yeah, I guess breakfast does sound pretty good right now. But after we eat, what do you plan to do?" Zone knew that something was bothering her when she started to furiously twirl her hair around her fingers. She shyly asked him, "Do you still plan on leaving, or could…rather, would you _like_ to stay for a while?"

He pulled her close, hugging her tightly to his chest. He was out of ideas. All of his plans were scrapped when Quistis kissed him the previous night. "I don't know. I can always deal with Moe, but _you _are a completely different story." Quistis pressed her face into his shoulder as he continued. "What was last night anyway? I thought you hated me. What changed your mind?" He found it much easier to ask her questions without her glorious blue eyes hypnotizing him.

Quistis enjoyed having his arms around her. It was an unfamiliar, but very pleasant sensation. Murmuring into his chest, she asked, "Did you know I used to have a _huge_ crush on Squall? For the longest time, I thought I loved him. He totally ignored me, until the night he finally acknowledged my existence with some fairly cruel words." She laughed at the memory. "Then he met Rinoa and they started their perfect little love story. I was madly jealous of her for ages. They have their fairy tale, Irvine and Selphie are nuts for each other, and Zell is dating this cute girl that works in the library. I forget her name. Without someone else, I always had my work, but even Garden didn't want me. I was just there to fill a vacancy. I could have been anybody. Squall was named Commander and Xu is now Headmaster. And I'm just here."

"It drives me mad because I work so damn hard and everything Rinoa touches seems to turn to gold. I suppose I still envy her. Everyone loves her and she makes it seem so effortless." She felt Zone shift slightly. Pulling away, she looked closely to judge his reaction. "Then you show up, take a few pictures, say some silly things, and make me feel like a queen. I remember that train ticket you gave me in Timber. Even back then, you seemed so concerned about me. And I saw how you looked at me yesterday. You wanted _me._ I was…I just… Well, I liked it. And I like you. Other than that, last night is a mystery to me as well." She finished her confession with a peck on his cheek.

Zone carefully listened as Quistis shed her problems and loneliness onto him. He felt more at ease with her when she acted like Quistis instead of Instructor Trepe. "Oh damn it. I don't want to, but I have to leave. I'll never be rid of Moe if I don't do something." He smiled brightly at her. "But, I'll definitely come back. Especially now. Come on. Let's get some breakfast and I'll come up with some brilliant strategy. I just can't think right now."

"Hmm? Why not?"

"It's impossible when I'm still in bed with royalty. I get easily distracted. You have this strange power that destroys my thought processes." Quistis chuckled at his joke. "Then, I suppose it's a good thing that I have brains enough for the both of us, isn't it?"


	13. Talented Zone

"Rin! There you are! Have you seen him yet? Or found his body? Maybe a bloody trail?"

Rinoa and Squall entered the cafeteria to find Selphie and Irvine seated at their usual table. Irvine was eating a sugary chocolate cereal, while Selphie checked items on a clipboard.

"What is all this stuff, Sef?" Rinoa picked a radio from the jumbled pile of equipment on the table. "Why do we need radios? And what can we possibly do with rubber gloves and ski masks?"

"Good Rin. That's my girl. You're on top of things. Question everything! You can't be too careful. Okay, let's see… you are _Blue Beaver_ and Squall can be _Big Chief_. Those are your new handles. We may need to separate at some point before we find the target, so I've fought those AV bastards again to get these radios." Rinoa looked at Squall. He was pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. Selphie didn't seem to notice. "Now, Hot Dog is currently establishing a perimeter and Pigtail is trying to contact forensics."

"Handles? Selphie, have you been watching that movie again?"

"No, it was the sequel and it sucked. But that doesn't matter right now."

"Why am I going to be…"

"SHH! Hush, Blue Beaver. I'm trying to think. Now, if we're looking for a body, we'll need a canine unit. We might need your dog. He can track, right?" Rinoa thought to herself that Angelo would never again be allowed around Selphie. She wasn't sure if dogs could lose their minds, but she didn't want to risk putting her poor puppy away in some doggy nuthouse.

Pacing in front of her assembled troops, General Tilmitt issued her orders. "Okay everybody. We'll rendezvous back here at 0930. Check with me at the top of every hour. I don't want to lose another man. It's gonna be a long, tough battle. I want to find Zone as much as any of you, but we can't deny the fact that Quistis might have throttled him. Or that this Moe guy has taken Zone to sleep with the squid."

"It's fish, Selphie. Not squid."

"What movies have you been watching, Squall? Sleeping with the fish doesn't even make sense. Yeesh. How do you put up with him, Rin?"

"Anyway. Don't get your hopes up. However, if you do locate the target, aka Zone, radio back with the code, _Rooster is in the Henhouse._ But if you see Quistis, the code is _Ice Queen Descending_. And if you see Quistis tearing his lungs out with her teeth, the code is… what do you _want_, Irvy?" Tapping Selphie on the shoulder, Irvine interrupted her battle speech. "Hold on, Cowboy. We're gonna get to your role as a deep cover agent in just a minute."

"No darlin'. Quistis is heading this way right now." He gestured to the door. "See? And she doesn't look like she's killed anybody."

"I'm sorry. I can't hear you. We are _supposed _to be using the system, Cowboy."

Irvine tore his hat from his head and threw it on the table. He picked up a radio and held it to Selphie's handset. The resulting feedback made everyone wince. "Breaker, breaker. Rubber Duck. Do you copy? This here's Cowboy. We got an Ice Queen Descending on our fucking heads. What is your genius 125 now?"

"125? Cowboy, that's a purple umbrella. What the hell kind of good is that going to do when Quistis is flossing bits of Zone out of her teeth?" Irvine dropped the radio and resumed eating his cereal. It was pointless to try to cooperate with Selphie some days. Leaning back in his chair, he prepared to watch the fireworks as Quistis advanced on the group. _Well, at least this'll be fun to watch. Quistis is hot as hell when she gets mad. And she won't be mad at me this time. Whoo Hoo! Wish I'd thought to call Zell. He'd get a kick out of this._

"What am I doing with my teeth, Selphie?"

Selphie bit her bottom lip as she spun around to see Quistis joining them. _Oh shit._ "Umm… HI QUISTIS! HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE MORNING?

Quistis sat beside Irvine and raised an eyebrow at Selphie's odd behavior. "I'm very well this morning, Selphie. Thank you. And how are you?" She noticed the X47TM model radios. "What is the purpose of this reconnaissance equipment? This particular radio is excellent for undercover work. Which of you is lucky enough to be assigned a stealth mission?"

"Oh Quisty! There is no mission. Zone is missing and there's this vampire gangster out for his blood, so we have to find him. This is the search party. We gotta get you a radio and a handle." Selphie looked at Quistis' hands to see if she could find blood under her fingernails. She was disappointed when her hands appeared as clean and perfect as ever. "Have _you_ seen Zone lately, hmm, Quistis?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he was right behind me when I entered the cafeteria. I believe that he stopped to say hello to Zell. Ah! Here he comes now."

Zone had barely sat down when Rinoa began screeching at him. "Where have you been? I was worried sick. You didn't call, or leave a note, or anything! I thought you might have left and been shot or stabbed…but you're not even hurt!"

"Jeez, Rin. Was I supposed to go out and get myself killed? I've not heard you scream like that since Watts started smoking those funny Chocobo greens." He was surprised that Rinoa was so angry with him. He admitted that neglecting to call was thoughtless, but he had been happily occupied. "Why are you so mad at me? You knew where I went last night. Squall practically shoved me out of the door so you could go on your date. I did what you wanted me to do. I went to see Quistis and we…talked."

"All night?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Zone, I've known you for years. You are not a big talker. What could you possibly talk about for so many hours?"

Zone started to panic. He didn't want to reveal the previous evening's activities and risk embarrassing Quistis. "We talked about, oh, we just, oh, my stomach, oooohhoowwww!"

Rinoa next focused her anger on Quistis. "What did you do to him, Quistis? His stomach hasn't bothered him for a long time!"

"Me? You're the one interrogating him!"

"Why is he holding his belly like that? Did you kick him or something else?"

Quistis slammed her palms on the table and stood to face her companions. "Okay. That is _enough_, Rinoa. If I desired to hurt him half as badly as the rest of you want me to, then I would have done it by now. No amount of effort on your part could prevent it. I assume that his stomach is upset because he is hungry. We were up most of the night and now you insist on questioning him without giving him the opportunity to even eat! As it so happens, we had a _very_ lengthy conversation and reached several critical conclusions."

Her voice softened as she looked down at Zone and studied his face. Running her fingers through his hair, she gently asked him if he was ill. "Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine. I just get nervous when I'm put on the spot like that. Thanks." He chuckled at the shocked faces surrounding them. "Why do you all look so surprised? Quistis really is wonderful. None of you give her enough credit." Zone had to grab the edge of the table to stay upright as Quistis lunged and wrapped her arms around him.

Selphie sprayed orange juice all over Rinoa when she saw their lips meet.

"_Pfffftt!_ Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just _how_ many of these 'critical conclusions' did you reach last night, Quisty? When the hell did this happen? How much coffee did I drink yesterday? Is the sky still blue, cause I am really starting to question the order of the universe right now." Running to the nearest window, Selphie satisfied herself that the sky was as it should be and the world had not yet spun off its axis. Plopping back down next to Quistis, she had a revelation. "Hey Irvy! Why don't you ever do that for me? You know, the whole multiples thing. Should I start hanging out with Zone? He is a cutie."

Irvine ignored Selphie's question and squinted at Zone. "Hold on one damn minute. Just how 'lengthy' of a discussion were you talkin' about, Quistis? Did you mean what I think you meant? Hot damn, Zee. You should have called me. I could have filmed the two of you!" Zone laughed, but said nothing. He simply extended his middle finger to the cowboy before pulling Quistis down for another kiss.

Reaching for some napkins, Rinoa giggled at the whole situation. Her worry and anger evaporated when she saw that her friends seemed so happy with each other. _Oh, this is wonderful. They'll be so good together. When I asked him to cheer her up, I thought he'd tell a joke, or play Triple Triad. Quisty has always been the best at that game. Maybe they played cards for each other's clothes. _She poked Squall in the ribs. "Hey honey. That must have been some pep talk. What did you tell him?"

"………."

"Oh, never mind, Mr. Crabby. Go back to bed if you're going to act like that today."

Irvine knew a moneymaking opportunity when he saw one. "Zone. Please. Let me get the camcorder. We could make a fortune off the Trepies alone. They'd pay _anything_ to see Quistis naked. Really. Just three weeks ago, I had one of Quistis' little stalkers offer me six hundred gil _and _his immortal soul to set up a surveillance system in the locker room." Quistis pulled her gaze away from Zone long enough to glare at Irvine. "I didn't do it! Like I told you, I get waivers signed and it's all voluntary. I'm not a sicko. But come on, Quistis! You could single handedly save Garden. You'd just have to, umm, you know what, never mind."

"Kinneas. Don't ever ask me to do anything like that again. If you do, I'll demonstrate _exactly _how much force is required to emasculate a certain Galbadian cowboy. Understood?" Afraid to open his mouth, Irvine simply nodded. "Good. Now, come on Zone. I'm famished and those bagels on the cart look absolutely divine. You are still hungry, aren't you?"


	14. Tour Guide

Note: If you've seen the movies _The Big Lebowski_ and _Super Troopers_, then you'll find a couple of references in this chapter. Xu's inability to pronounce Moe's last name is from a pretty funny scene in _Super Troopers,_ while her pride at Quistis' accomplishments is straight from Maude in _The Big Lebowski._ And I'm sure Quistis enjoys sex as much as Maude. It is, after all, "a natural, zesty enterprise." Watch the movies. They're bloody wonderful.

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"Excellent. Here sir, are some of my finest SeeDs."

Squall, Irvine, and Selphie instantly snapped to attention as Xu and her portly guest entered the cafeteria. Her posture and salute were above reproach, but less-than-charitable thoughts were running through Selphie's mind. _Hoo Hoo! Holy cow! Quistis, Xu, and the rest of those nutty card players could walk behind him on a bright day and never worry about sunburn. I'd pity the lunch ladies if they weren't out to take over the world. He'll give 'em a reason to hide the hotdogs. And the chips. And the bread. And the fucking cheese for the mousetraps. I don't think this old boy is above fighting with a rat for a crumb or two. _

"Commander Leonhart, SeeDs Kinneas and Tilmitt. Please help me welcome Mr. Gala…Mr. Galicca…Mr. Galakino…"

"Ah, ah, ah, my dear. It's just Moe, if you'll remember." He stared at the tall Galbadian. Something about him was very familiar, but Moe couldn't place it. He felt sure that he would remember once he was able to get some breakfast. Diplomacy and good manners were taking a lot of energy out of him. He was a firm believer in the restorative power of frequent meals.

"Of course sir." She saluted her troops again. "Please help me welcome Moe to Balamb Garden. He tells me that he has friends in town and wanted to see the facilities before his return home to Timber."

Rinoa quietly excused herself to warn Zone. She had to admit that Moe was a clever fellow. Requesting a visit from the new Headmaster was sure to stoke Xu's ego and guarantee passage through security. Her departure went unnoticed by either Xu or Moe. They were both busily inspecting the heroes of the Sorceress War.

"Once again Headmaster, I am impressed." His eyes crept down Selphie's slim form. "Very impressed." Squall noticed a muscle twitch in Irvine's jaw. He was amused by the notion that womanizing Kinneas would get so upset by another man lusting after his girlfriend. "So, these are some of those famous warriors, eh? Wonderful, just wonderful. It is a pleasure to meet such a fine group of young people." He sniffed appreciatively at the smell of bacon and eggs. "Won't you join me for breakfast?" Xu stood behind the large man, nodding vigorously at the hesitant SeeDs. Squall sighed as he accepted the unspoken order. "Of course, sir. We'd be honored."

Moe clapped his hands together. "Delightful. Now. Where do I go to get my breakfast?" His gaze drifted to the blonde in the short queue. "Do I just get in line behind those legs? I mean, that ass? I mean…my, oh, my. Excuse me gentlemen. I have to see about…that." He seemed to forget that he was in the middle of a conversation as he wandered towards the front of the cafeteria. Selphie bristled as he waddled away, still mumbling about various bits of the pretty blonde's anatomy. "Honestly! There's nothing gentle about me. HEY! There's nothing manly about me either! What the hell, Xu? Where'd you dig up this winner? He has bigger boobs than _me_. Seriously! Just one would outweigh me by at least thirty pounds." She elbowed Irvine. "That's gotta be the same prick causing problems for Zee, right babe?"

"Drop it Selphie. Later." Squall craned his neck to see if Rinoa had reached Zone before Moe saw him.

Xu felt like going back to her room and taking the longest shower in the history of Balamb. She didn't notice Selphie's comment about Zone. But she agreed with her unflattering but very accurate estimation of his size. "Please Selphie. Just tolerate him for a couple of hours. He's agreed to make a substantial donation to Garden in exchange for a quick tour. We really need this money. There's been a slight bump in mission requests this month, but we still need every gil."

"But, did you not hear what he said? Look at him! He's chasing after Quistis like he wants to either tear her clothes off or gobble her down with a side of fries! Yuck!" Xu hurried to catch up with Moe. _Damn. He moves fast for such a massive beast. Eeeew. That is disgusting. Selphie is right. He's practically drooling over her._

_------------------------------------------------_

Quistis felt tremors in the floor before hearing a wheezing voice in her ear. "Good morning, my dear. I hope to find you well. Mmm. I'm a very good friend of your Headmaster and I need someone to give me a tour of this lovely body. Er, Garden. Yes, Garden." A heavy hand landed on her shoulder. Attached to that hand was the biggest man Quistis had ever seen. Greasy dark hair was slicked back on an oddly round head while his poor buttons strained to contain an enormous belly. She thought he looked like a snowman with a really bad wig. A gut that big didn't get there by accident. She figured that he had ingested enough food in his lifetime to end hunger for a nice, long portion of eternity. _Oh Rinoa. Please keep Zone behind that column until I figure out what course of action is required for this repugnant man. And Hyne, if you're listening, please don't let me hurl everywhere. _

"Moe! I see you've met Instructor Trepe. Quite the achiever, she's the youngest instructor in the history of all three Gardens. And proud we are of her as well." Xu beamed at Quistis. She really was proud of her friend. She would have gladly promoted Quistis months ago had it not been for the dissension and squabbling among older faculty members with claims of seniority. Xu sometimes wondered if jealousy over Quistis' abilities, instead of precedence issues, might be the reason that so many meant to see her fall.

"Quistis, this is Moe. We're trying to make him as comfortable as possible today." Moe spoke to Xu without removing his eyes from Quistis' chest. "Madame Headmaster, I would be honored if this charming young woman could finish the tour. She is the same prodigy from the newspaper articles, yes?" Moe had not read a newspaper in years, but he thought it sounded like the sort of thing that would flatter the Head Bitch, as he now called Xu. He wanted rid of her to pursue the 'instructor' with no distractions.

Xu considered him for a moment. _He is gross, condescending, perverted, and just plain obnoxious, but he is also very wealthy. Garden really needs this money. Oh, Q. You've fended off worse slobs than this creep. Like the one-armed card player at that bar in Dollet. Moe is almost Prince Charming compared to that asshole. You can handle yourself. I promise I'll make it up to you._

She mouthed 'I'm sorry' to Quistis before declaring, "That is a splendid idea sir. Instructor Trepe knows this Garden better than the back of her hand. She'd love to finish the tour." Quistis, attempting to inch away from Moe's lecherous gaze, stared at Xu in disbelief. Surely she didn't expect her to be alone with (literally) the biggest pervert in Balamb. "Quistis, please make sure that he sees everything he wants to see today."

_Mmm, yes. Please Miss Trepe. Let me see 'everything' I want. Now get the hell away from here, Head Bitch. _

Quistis smiled sweetly at Xu. Through clenched teeth she answered, "Of course Headmaster. It would be my pleasure." Xu gulped. Before her promotion, she had been on a few SeeD missions with Quistis. That particular smile, one that Irvine would have recognized, was the same that graced her features prior to hacking a few limbs from some poor monster or blowing a hole in an enemy soldier's gut. "Ye-yes. I knew I could count on you, Q. And I'll need to see you in my office at the conclusion of your tour. Good day, Q. Good day, Mr. Gallop…um, Moe. Garden thanks you again for your generosity." Moe ignored her as he continued to visually molest his unlucky guide. She quickly returned to the curious SeeDs, leaving behind a dangerously angry Quistis.

"So, the youngest instructor ever, eh? And what do you teach?" He smiled at Quistis. Or more specifically, he smiled at her legs and chest.

She pretended that he was making perfect, polite eye contact when she replied. To follow the direction of his gaze would undoubtedly lead to a satisfyingly sore fist for her, a broken nose for him. "Since staff is in such short supply, I currently teach several courses. I'm responsible for basic and intermediate Casting, all Blue Magic courses, advanced Strategy and Tactics, among a couple of others. I'm also the only whip specialist in Balamb." She reluctantly placed her hand through the flabby folds of Moe's offered arm. _Oh Hyne. It's like sticking my arm in mashed potatoes. I think I am going to be sick. _She somehow managed to maintain her fixed smile as she guided him closer to the doors and farther from Zone.

"Yes, yes. Blue strategies. Very interesting. Now, how about that tour, eh?" _Yes, I'll do the tour, then you, my lovely little instructor. Then I'll find Zone, kill him, eat a nice supper and go to bed. I'll have Marvin make reservations somewhere close. _

She bit her tongue at his obvious lack of interest. "Right this way. What would you like to see first? Balamb library has one of the finest collections on this continent. We even have the first three volumes of _Treatises of Sorceress Influence, _by Dr. Sev…" _What now? Interrupt me one more time, you bloody damned ape. I dare you. _

"Oh no. I've already seen that dreadful room. Books everywhere. I'm much more interested in practical demonstrations. It's a pity that today is Saturday. I would love to sit in one of your classes." He pulled her closer, trying to catch a peek of skin between the spaces in her open collar. Quistis forced herself to relax her fist. No money would be donated if she beat the donor to a pulp.

"Yes. Class demonstration will unfortunately be omitted from today's tour." She considered the options available on a Saturday morning. "Hmm. Perhaps I could recruit a cadet to showcase some combat maneuvers for extra credit."

"Oh, like the 'Flying Hat Trick', or the 'Bouncing Balamb Backflip'? I'm particularly fond of the 'Fun with Ping-Pong Balls' maneuver. The girls in this school are very talented."

Quistis stopped walking. Moe, lost in his dirty fantasies, continued ambling along with a dreamy expression on his face. _Surely he doesn't think…oh, my goodness. He does. He thinks those are genuine combat moves. I'd hate to rely on THAT army for defense. This is too good. I wonder… _"Sir. Have you by chance seen our published training aids?'

"Oh yes. I'm quite the fan. That is actually part of the reason I'm in this part of the world. I need to contact an old friend about those movies."

Quistis smiled again and took his arm. _I wonder if Irvine is still interested in making a film for the Trepies. One with legitimate military purposes and an unsuspecting guest star._

---------------------------------------------------------

"Zone! Put that vase down! You can't bean a visitor in the head." Rinoa struggled to wrench a large ceramic vase from Zone's hands. She wanted to hit Moe as much as he did, but she didn't want to explain the bloodstains to the over-worked janitors. She wished that she had time to pull him into the hallway before informing him about Moe's unexpected arrival. As it was, they had been lucky to make it behind a large pillar just as Moe caught sight of Quistis. Moe couldn't see them, but they unfortunately had a prime viewing spot for his unwanted amorous attentions.

"That is no visitor, Rin! That pig is the reason I had to hide here. And now, he's off somewhere alone with Quistis. If he touches her, I'll kill him!" Zone dropped the vase to sprint after Moe. He made it to the door before Rinoa and Irvine tackled him. Kicking and squirming, he almost broke free, but wasn't quite strong enough to battle two sets of arms. They dragged him back to their table, collapsing into available chairs. Irvine kept his hands on Zone's arms in case he tried to bolt for the door again.

"Who the hell is this? And what is going on? I'll not have visitors attacking wealthy visitors while I'm in charge of this Garden!" Four voices tried to answer simultaneously.

"Xu, I'll explain later. Right now, we need to get that guy out of here. He's trouble."

"I lived in the same town as him for a while before I hired SeeD to help fight Deling. He really is nothing but trouble."

"Yeah! And he called me a gentleman. I'll poke his eyes out!"

"And he looked at Selphie! _Without _an invitation! That's just plain rude. His mama should've taught him better."

"QUIET!" Xu pounded on the table. "Someone had better tell me this instant what is going on before I…"

"Hey you guys! Did you know Quistis has a boyfriend?" Zell bounded into the cafeteria, spiked hair bobbing as he gestured wildly. He had finished setting up his assigned perimeter and wanted to get breakfast before Selphie thought of another wild scheme. "But he is a LOT bigger than I would have guessed. I always thought Quistis was really, really picky. I never would have pictured her with a fat dude." He raised his voice to a brittle falsetto. "She was all, 'Let me put my arm in yours, you big strong lug.' Lowering his voice again, he tried to impersonate Moe. "Yeah and the fat guy was all like 'Well, hey baby. I can do that.' It was really weird." He grinned as Selphie exploded in a fit of giggles. "Seriously. I was beginning to think Quistis might be a lesbian, cause you never, ever see her with a guy. Which is kinda cool, because she'd be one of those awesome lesbians, but I guess I was wrong. I thought…um, Zone? Are you okay?" Upon seeing Zone's murderous gaze, Zell unconsciously dropped into a defensive stance. "Irv? You have a good grip on him, right?"


	15. Assembling the Movie Crew

Note: Yes, a bit of Tina Fey speak has crept into my story. Deal with it.

_-------------------------_

_Where is Rinoa when I need her? I hope I'm doing this properly. Flirting has never been my forte. And the fact that I have to charm this disgusting beast only exacerbates things. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life._

Quistis was having a difficult time with Fat Moe. She had giggled and sighed, simpered and pouted her lips. Generally, she just committed the type of man-pleasing sins that would have gotten her killed at the proper sort of feminist retreat. She even fluttered her long eyelashes when he lifted his predatory gaze above chest level. Until that point, Quistis hadn't realized that her eyelids were capable of producing a 'flutter'. That sort of nonsense was better left to butterflies and moths. Maybe pigeons. She wasn't sure.

The difficulty lay in the fact that her clumsy attempts at flirting were being met with spectacular results. Moe, intrepid explorer extraordinaire, seemed determined to map every inch of the land of Quistis with either his beady eyes or his roving hands. She was grateful that she decided to wear a comfortable warm-up suit and not her SeeD uniform. The short skirt that was standard for all female officers already fueled the hormonal adolescent imaginations of her students. With Timber's publishing tycoon, it might have been enough to have him assault her in the hallway.

As for Moe, he was used to women hanging all over him and his money, but they were usually of the 'pay first, company later' variety. Real class acts, they dyed their hair to match their toenail polish, hoping for a photo shoot or movie role. He couldn't believe his good fortune when Quistis suggested that he play a part in her fund-raising film. This leggy instructor was practically begging him for some attention and then she even confirmed that Zone was somewhere on the grounds. Ooh-de-lally. "So, you are acquainted with one of the producers, eh? Is he anywhere close? I'd like to meet him."

"I'm sure I could find him for you. For such a (_Hyne help me_) handsome man, I could do just about anything. But only if you'll agree to 'play along' in my little movie." Quistis squeezed his arm, trying to ignore the fact that her fingertips disappeared to the second knuckle. "Oooh! You have just the right build for (_yuck, a blobra, maybe an obese gorilla_) the masked assassin in my educational video. If I can persuade you to be my costar, I will make sure that you get a chance to meet Zone." She lowered her voice to a throaty whisper. "But you mustn't tell Xu. She frowns on our little movies." She noticed that Moe looked a little too eager when he nodded his very spherical head. Finally reaching the second floor, she guided him to her classroom. Unlocking the door, she quickly removed his southbound hand and directed him to a seat. "Now you wait here while I go find the movie crew. I'll hurry."

"Oh yes, my dear. You hurry along. I'll be fine." Some of the forced civility fell from his voice as he leered at his future plaything. "Don't you dare run off, my dear. I'd hate to search this place to find you and that friend of yours again."

Quistis tensed with fury. She felt like punching his teeth down his throat, but instead gave him a final wink as she sashayed through the door. Once in the hall, she bolted for the elevators. _Oh, Moe. You pathetic waste of a man, if you were aware of my plans for your fat ass, you'd leave now. I just hope that Zone and Irvine are willing to help me. It might be quite the task if I have to film and act simultaneously. _

-----------------------------------------

"Will someone help me hold him? Or at least get me some rope so I can hog-tie him?"

"Irvy, why are you still holding Zone back anyway?" Selphie swallowed her toast and leaned her chair back on two legs. Her heels thumped loudly when she threw them on the table. "If you ask me, I say we let him loose and enjoy the show. It's been too damn quiet around here today. Between Zee and Quisty, they can make the world's biggest blood puddle out of him. That is, if she hasn't done it already."

She wished that Zone knew Quistis a little better. If he did, he wouldn't have that worried expression on his face. She had been on countless missions with Quistis and knew firsthand how her calm, bookish exterior camouflaged the instincts of a merciless killer. She tried to tell everyone that Moe was in more danger than Quistis, but they ignored her. _Humph! Quisty's gonna have his head on a stake and the rest of him sent to starving nations worldwide, but oh no! They think that they have to play rescue mission. _She chuckled at Zone's escape attempts, glad that he thought highly enough of Quistis to risk his neck for her. _Quisty'll be happy that Zone wants to be Mr. Bad-ass. She probably gets tired of taking care of everyone and having nobody to defend her. I'd love to see that sentiment in a greeting card. 'I sure do luvs ya honey. I luvs ya so much I went and got myself killed by a human/hog hybrid.' Hoo Hoo! I can just imagine Quisty's face when she opens __**that**__ birthday card._

"Well darlin' if I don't hold him, he'll go tearin' up the hall and get his fool self killed." Irvine grabbed a handful of Zone's shirt just as he tried to make another break for the exit. Between Quistis and the movies, Selphie's coffee episode, and the unexpected arrival of Fat Moe, the ever-mellow cowboy's patience was reaching its upper limits. "Sit your ass down, Zee. You're not gonna do Quistis any favors if you get shot by that asshole. Do you really think that she'll still want you with a gaping hole in your noggin?"

Zone tore at his hair in frustration. "Damn it, Irv. She doesn't know what he's really like; especially when he sees something he wants. And she sure as HELL doesn't need to be alone with him! Why won't you let me go? I _have_ to follow them to make sure he doesn't hurt her."

Xu watched the exchange in miserable silence. Not only had she been duped, but she also sent her best friend on an errand that rightfully should have been hers. Surprisingly, she found herself agreeing with Tilmitt. Quistis could manage Moe with no problems. She smiled as she recalled the last time an unwelcome suitor tried to pester Quistis.

---------------------------------------------

To celebrate her new status as instructor, Xu had taken Quistis to Dollet for some barhopping. They were having a great night; throwing back shots of _Mimett Red Devils_ and _Tantal Tongue Twisters_, dancing with cute locals, and enjoying some much needed time away from Garden's stringent behavior codes. The good times ended when an aggressive Triple Triad player with a single arm started following them from bar to bar.

He insisted that Quistis do him a favor for forcing his attention away from his cards, resulting in a loss of over two thousand gil. She laughed until she realized he was not joking. According to his logic, she owed him because he fought in the _big war_ damnit, and she danced too well in _that_ slinky dress. Xu could have told him a few choice things about warfare, but decided to wait for Quistis to end the conversation. She was willing to wipe the smirk off his face with her fingernails, but Quistis, the eternal diplomat, wanted to first reason with the drunken fellow. The diplomatic talks reached an abrupt conclusion when he tried to slide his hand up her skirt. He thought he had finally convinced her to follow him to his room when she flashed a brilliant smile at him.

She continued smiling as she fractured his remaining arm in three places.

------------------------------------------------

Xu erupted in wild laughter as she remembered how his shrill screams drowned out the pulsating music in the club. Yes, Quistis would be just fine. She had complete and unwavering faith in her longtime friend.

The foreign sound made every head in the cafeteria swivel in her direction. Xu never laughed. Squall looked at her with alarm. The last thing they needed was for their leader to lose her mind. "Xu, are you okay?"

"What? Yes, yes. I'm fine. I was just thinking about the last time Q…" She broke off as another wave of giggles seized her. Squall was ready to summon Dr. Kadowaki, but Xu stopped him with an impatient wave of her hand. "Forget it, Squall. I agree with your friend over there. We need to follow them and see if Q is finished with him. I mean…we should certainly try our utmost to defend her if he is indeed the savage animal you claim. He has already seen most of the first floor, so she probably took him to the classroom level. We'll begin the search on floor two." Zone leapt to the exit before the rest had a chance to stand. The party began making their way to the elevators, Xu and Selphie lagging behind.

"Officer Tilmitt. I need a brief word before we leave, please." Selphie winced. She had so far been lucky enough to avoid the post_-Kablooey_ conversation with Xu and her infamous temper.

"EEEP! I mean, yes, Headmaster?"

Xu lowered her voice so none of the other SeeDs could hear. Discipline and a nice healthy fear of authority were critical for the smooth operation of Garden. Motioning Selphie closer, she asked, "Just how many square feet do you think a Moe-sized puddle would encompass? I'm willing to bet fifty gil that it won't be any bigger than Balamb square. I've seen Q in action. That poor fool doesn't stand a chance."

Selphie snorted in relief. She should have known that Xu and Quistis would have similar twisted streaks. _I've said it before and I'll say it again. Garden produces some of the meanest bitches on the planet. But we sure as hell get stuff done! _"Ha! We'll have to drain him off into the bay. Garden doesn't have a mop bucket big enough for him!"

"Ah. I thought as much. Glad to see that _you_ at least, show some degree of intelligence. Let's go see if she whether she has gutted him or tacked his hide onto the wall, shall we?"

------------------------------------

_Where are the stairs in this place? What the hell are they gonna do if there is ever a fire? This damn elevator takes forever. _

Zone was tapping his foot, waiting for the elevator to descend from the upper levels. He didn't quite know what he would do when he found Moe, but there was so much testosterone flowing through his veins that he didn't care. His reactions were going to be totally dependent on what had been done to Quistis.

The elevator opened with a sunny _ding_. Zone tried to force the doors open faster, but a rapidly exiting blonde knocked him on his back. Catching his breath would have been much easier had Quistis not landed on top of him. "Oh Zone! I'm so sorry! Are you hurt? Let me see." Instead of wasting time standing up, she simply sat on top of Zone's legs and checked him for injuries. "Hmm. You don't seem to be injured. Are you able to stand?"

"No."

"Oh no. Where did I hurt you?" Her hands gently felt his chest and abdomen, searching for any hidden injuries, but Zone stopped her with a low chuckle. If she kept touching him like that, he'd never get around to booting Moe back to Timber.

"No, I _meant_ that you're sitting on top of me. Not that I'm complaining." Zone rose up on his elbows, looking closely at her face. "Don't worry about me. Are you hurt? Did Moe try…anything?"

Quistis beamed. "Oh? Were you coming to check on me? I am perfectly fine, just a bit disgusted. That man is a complete pervert. Did you know that?" She shuddered at the memory of 'flirting' with Moe. All in all, she considered herself fairly well rounded without resorting to the fabled feminine wiles. She'd leave her time as a coquette off her job applications.

"Yeah, I knew. I'm just glad he didn't…you know. He didn't do…anything." Zone finally sat up, brushing stray golden strands from Quistis' cheeks. "I'd have killed him if he tried." Leaning closer, he meant to kiss her, but the moment was ruined when Irvine and Selphie arrived, cheering and whooping. Rinoa and the rest soon followed, curious to see what had Irvine yelling like he had too much beer at one of the Galbadian rodeos.

"Whoo hoo! Get her Zee! Wait! I'll get the camera. Selphie, tie 'em down or something. I don't want to miss this again."

"Irvine, I already told you. You are not filming us. We don't…"

"Actually, Zone, I may need him and that camera after all. I have Moe waiting for me in my classroom and I promised him that I would record our exertions." Quistis felt seven pairs of eyes peering at her. Zone pulled back, throwing Quistis off his lap. "Quistis, please. No. I know he's rich, but…Oh Hyne. I think I'm gonna be sick. Oh damn it, my stomach…"

"Zone. Honestly. Do you really think I would stoop so low?" Quistis narrowed her eyes. There was that peculiar chill in the air again when she spoke. "What could possibly make you think that I would even _consider_ that?"

"Um, that's my fault, Instructor Q. I kinda told everyone that you were banging the walking beanbag. Sorry. You just looked so lovey-dovey when you were showing him around. You surprised me 'cause I always thought you were due to come out of the closet any day now, since you completely blow off any guys that come near you." Zell ducked behind Squall, thankful that Quistis didn't seem to have her whip on her belt.

Quistis was stunned. "So, instead of homosexual tendencies, you automatically assume that I'm 'banging' any random male that succeeds in taking my arm. Wow, Zell. I…really…wow. I just don't know what to say."

"Yeah, but it's cool now, since it looks like you have a thing for Zone. So, no biggie, right?" Zell gave her a desperate, hopeful grin. "Please? Simple mistake. No harm, no foul."

She lifted her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Zell, just…go back to your room. Please. I have enough problems right now without listening to your babbling."

"Right. I'll see you guys later. Umm, bye!" Zell ran down the hall, singing praises to Hyne the entire way. He knew he was very lucky to escape with nothing more than a mild tongue-lashing. Considering her proficiency with whips and other springy weapons, he considered that form of lashing very lucky indeed.

Quistis watched him retreat, shaking her head in wonder. For such a bright soldier, Zell could be the single dimmest bulb in Garden. Brushing dust off her sweatpants, she spun around to her friends. She had already wasted too much time. If Moe lost patience and left the classroom, she'd be forced to think of another strategy. "I still need the camera. Irvine, will you help me?" Irvine nodded. He had been hinting that Quistis would be perfect in one of his movies for two months. Noticing his grin, Quistis sharply spat, "It's not going to be _that_ kind of film, Kinneas. I'm going to make the combat aid you never produced."

"And Zone, I'd really appreciate it if you would stay close to me…just in case I may need you." Zone, transfixed by those blue orbs, couldn't say anything but yes. In spite of her confident facade, he detected a faint note of anxiety in her request. "Yeah, I'm not going anywhere, Quistis. I'll be right there."


	16. Not Much of a Plot

Note: I'm digging all the nice reviews. Thanks so much!

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Moe sat in Quistis' classroom, swinging his stubby legs, eagerly awaiting her return. He slicked back his hair, adjusted his tie, and did a breath check. Grimacing, he popped a mint into his mouth and chewed loudly. Normally he wouldn't care, but this was far from a normal situation. She wanted to make a movie, so he wanted to look (and smell) his best. He viewed the orderly rows of desks and computer monitors, considering a classroom an odd spot for a movie featuring a dastardly masked assassin._ Hmm…I wonder where she'll want to begin. The floor? Her desk? Mmm…yes, the desk will do nicely. And a whip specialist to boot! I've not tried any of the real kinky stuff since, um… Was it the summer of love? The swingers cruise? Hmm. Wait! No, it was six weeks ago, yes, that girl with the tassels and the riding crop. If all of Zone's contacts are as attractive as this instructor, I may offer him a corner office instead of a bullet in the head. Ha!_

Low voices outside of the door jolted him from his scheming and daydreams. Irvine, his battered hat back on his head, entered with a video camera and a large box. _I knew I recognized him! That's the director. Benny was right. 'Look for his buddies and I betcha'll find Zone.' I should give him a bonus, since he found my favorite little traitor and a hot little blonde in one stop. _

Zone, just a few steps behind Irvine, saw Moe's greedy expression and felt a hot rush of anger. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to behave according to plan. Instead of acknowledging Moe's smug nod, he began moving desks and unhooking computers, sliding the equipment to the walls. A rough circular area remained in the center of the floor when he finished.

Irvine eyed the room and judged the light. _Hoo boy! Light ain't gonna be a problem. Getting this fat fucker in frame is going to be the biggest challenge of my movie-making career. Well…it may be the second biggest. Getting Quistis to take off her clothes, now THAT'S a challenge. _Making adjustments to his camera, he began speaking rapidly to Moe. "So…you're gonna be the villain in this piece, are you? Yeah, well, you'll do what I say, when I say it, and no questions are to be asked. Savvy?"

"Yes, yes. Whatever you say. I'm not here for the acting, my friend." Pretentious artsy filmmakers were nothing new to Moe. His Timber studios were filled with them. "I'm just playing along so that lovely young lady gets her damned movie and I get laid. You point, I move, yes, yes. I get it. Now, where is she?"

"Hmm? What? She's changing. And I thought I said no questions.", said Irvine, busily digging through his toy box. Moe leaned over his shoulder, curious to see what was so important. He watched Irvine pick up item after item, discarding feathers and chaps, ping pong paddles and kneepads, before finally finding a dark cloth mask. "Here. Put this on. She wanted an assassin, so she gets an assassin. And sign this. It's a standard waiver form that keeps me from getting sued by angry parents, vengeful ex-girlfriends, things like that. I get it signed by all parties." Moe gave it a cursory glance, quickly signed and placed the mask over his eyes. He felt more dangerous already. "Thanks. Now, here's your motivation: You're aggressive and violent. She's a delicate flower. You are assigned by some mysterious power to assassinate this poor girl. So…just go for it."

"That's not much of a plot. Is that all? Anything goes?"

Irvine was almost offended. He never needed a plot before, just some willing girls and a few props. One didn't need much when topless pillow fight volumes sold in the millions. "Stop with the questions! It's just your motivation. I'm the director, not you. And yeah, anything goes. Quistis is kind of the opposite of inhibited. Whatever that is…um, what's the word? hmm…let's see, she's…she's a kinky minx! Ha! Yeah, if you can think of something she _hasn't _tried, I'll buy you a steak dinner." Zone reminded himself to punch Irvine in the head if this movie idea worked. If it didn't, he still hoped to give Irvine a black eye before Moe shot him.

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Quistis finally entered the classroom with Selphie hot on her heels. "Quisty! Please! We'll sell SO many more if you'll just do what I tell ya. As long as your legs are, you'll look great in these stilettos and fishnets! I know you like that boring old SeeD uniform, but we're making a movie here! The sluttier you look, the bigger the box-office receipts, baby!" Zone thought that she looked fantastic, but he was taken aback by the scant length of the SeeD skirts. _She teaches in that thing? Holy hell. That…is really hot. No wonder she has a fan club. _

Grabbing Selphie's arm, Quistis pulled her close and hissed in her ear, "Selphie. I can't wear that. This is strictly educational. And for the love of all things holy, please don't give that horrible man any ideas. I'm already afraid this won't work and I certainly don't want to fight him off in six-inch heels." She considered the black shoes gripped tightly in Selphie's small hands. "Although…keep them close. I might use the heels to stab him in the eyes."

"Mwahahaha! That's my girl! I said the exact same thing! But, you can't poke out both eyes, Quisty. I want one of 'em." Quistis grinned. She enjoyed the brief moments of complete understanding with Selphie. The occasions when they agreed on anything were very few, but a history of violence and mayhem made them closer than sisters at times.

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"Okay! Places people! Places! Moe, remember. You're to overpower the innocent victim. She's all yours once you get her on the ground." Zone moved to stand closer to Quistis, but she waved him back to the wall. "Please, Zone. You must stay clear of this area. I need every available inch for _Save the Queen. _I don't want you to get hurt." Unsure, he slid next to Irvine. "_Psst. _Irv. What's a _Save the Queen_?"

"Didn't she use it on you last night?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I wanted Selphie to get one, but she said no..."

"What the fuck does it mean?"

"Yeah…that would be sweet…"

"I'm gonna knock your lights out if you don't tell me what…"

"I thought about joining her class, taking up whip-cracking 101, but her courses fill so fast..."

"That's it! You better take off your hat 'cause I'm gonna…"

"I'm getting to it! Take it easy!"

Irvine said in an undertone, "_Save the Queen _is her fancy whip. She's _real_ proud of that thing, but I've never understood why she gave it that crazy name. She killed the Marlboro herself to get it's tentacles. Once she braided those into the leather, it made that thing pretty near indestructible." Irvine lifted his head, making sure Quistis was still out of earshot. "I figured she'd have used it during your 'conversations' last night. It's the quiet ones that always end up with the wild streaks."

"Damn it, Irv. She's a lady! Not one of your skanky porn stars."

"Hey! I'm not trying to mess with your special lady friend. I meant that as a compliment. And they're not porn stars, they're 'Flexible Combat and Recreation Specialists'. I've never filmed a porno in my life! Now be quiet. I'm filming!"

Irvine raised his voice and clapped his hands. "Ready people? Moe, I've already talked to you. Quistis, you defend yourself using any means necessary, but for the purposes of this video, I recommend the moves in the most recent volume of Holtz's _Holds, Throws, and Less-Lethal Subjugation Methods_, the second edition of Jones' _Effective Battle Techniques _and McCawber's classic, _Kill the Hell Out of the Enemy Before He Laughs at You and Cuts Out Your Liver and Feeds It to His Comrades. _If Moe is still standing, we'll move on to advanced training. I'll narrate. Zone, you mind the door. Ready everyone? Oh! Selphie, I love that pretty yellow dress, so you just wait in the hall so you don't get splattered. I'll make you a copy free of charge." Selphie blew a kiss to her director boyfriend on her way to the exit. She didn't like to bother him while he worked.

"Now hold on. What am I doing again? What the hell?" Moe started to feel a little nervous. Those titles didn't sound nearly as friendly as _Bouncing Balamb Backflips._

Quistis quickly moved to reassure Moe. She wanted to begin the movie before he tried to escape. She made what she assumed were soothing sounds and gestures, hoping that she wouldn't have to try flirting again. Taking his hand, she put him back on his mark. "Oh, poor baby. Don't you worry about that. They sound much worse than they really are." Pouting, she tried to act disappointed. "Oh no! Aren't you still just as eager as I am to make our little movie? And I was so looking forward to being so (_Hold it together girl. Don't hurl yet.) _close to you. Don't leave me hanging like this." He was hooked. How could he say no when her lips were so close to his ear? And when she was pressed so close to him? Moe nodded, chins jiggling.

"Oh good then! Ready, Irvine? Call action."

Irvine and Zone were both standing slack-jawed at Quistis' quick slip from straight laced instructor into seductive siren. _Psst! Psst! "_Hey…Zee. Your girl can _act_. Hey! Zone? You okay, bud? Your jaw is kind of hangy. Are you…"

"What? Oh, right. ACTION!"

---------------------------------------------

"And once again, the assailant has been subdued by quick thinking and the laws of physics. In spite of the enemy outweighing her by, um, a hell of a lot, she has used her lower center of gravity and a bit of leverage to throw him down. This would only work in a one on one situation. For crowded melee conditions, the _Inverted Lobster Pinch_ would probably be more effective…"

"Wait. CUT! This is all wrong. CUT!"

Quistis rolled away from Moe. He was holding up much better than she thought he would. Not good. He was heavy and her back could only handle so much. Screw Irvine's laws of physics. The fat fucker weighed a ton and he seemed to be greatly enjoying all the chances to grope her before she could toss him. She was aching to get through the basic holds so she could make Moe bleed. Battles were easier. Find your enemy, kill him…find another, kill him…lather, rinse, repeat. She never liked teaching Jones and Holtz, anyway. McCawber had much better (and far more satisfying) fighting techniques. Panting, she impatiently asked, "What is the problem? We're only up to chapter seven in Jones. And we have yet to film the chokehold techniques that Dr. Wend…"

"It's just not working for me. And I think Moe needs to take a breather. He looks like he's ready to collapse, Quistis. C'mere, Moe. Pop a squat and take a break. Besides, I want to call Trixie."

"Trixie?"

"Yeah! I really think this would be hot as hell with two blondes. No offense, Moe."

"None taken, my boy. I agree with you. Ever considered moving to Timber? We could use an eye like yours, my boy." Moe leaned on a desk, wheezing for oxygen. The skinny bitch was stronger than she looked. He carefully rubbed a spot under his arm. It felt like the little prick tease had broken a rib.

"See Quistis? We already have a customer! Let me grab my phone and…"

"No, Kinneas. Out of the question. I told you that this was _educational_." Quistis put her hands on her hips and began pacing. She would never admit it, but she needed a breather far worse than Moe. _Honestly! I'm the one flipping a bloody whale with legs over my shoulders. And he's worried about MOE? Thanks for the concern, Kinneas. See if I ever defend you at another staff meeting. Bastard._ Flexing her shoulders, she looked over to the trio of film-makers. Irvine and Zone were whispering something unintelligible to Moe and glancing at her at intervals. Curious, she tried to move closer, but Zone quickly stepped to her and took her hand. "Don't go over there. You don't want to hear what Irvine is telling him. It's not very flattering."

"What is he saying?" Quistis tried to push past Zone, but he held fast. She didn't trust Moe as far as she could throw him. And now that she was aware of _exactly_ how far that was, she trusted him even less. Seeing Moe and Irvine rummaging through that box again, she looked to Zone for an explanation. "What the hell is he searching for in Irvine's prop box?" They were forced to jump back as Moe found what he was looking for and scampered past them to her desk. "What are those things? And why is that ape climbing on my desk? I'll kill Irvine. I am NOT doing that!"

Zone blushed. "That isn't what you'd call a normal prop box, Quistis. But trust me. Please." He gave her hand a final squeeze and strolled to the door.

"Where are you going? Zone? Don't you dare leave me alone with him." Her voice was reaching into the stratosphere, approaching near-Selphie levels of pitch. "If you leave me here, I swear that I'll …oh. Never mind. I see." Quistis smiled. She reminded herself to thank Irvine later for having such good ideas. Tacky and tasteless maybe, but they were still clever. She winked at Zone. "I believe I understand. Stay in the hall until I call you. I think Moe is waiting."

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"You guys just left her in there with him? That man is a monster! If he gets a good grip, he could really hurt her. I don't believe it, Zone. I thought you liked her!" Rinoa fretfully toyed with the rings on her necklace. The tarnished silver loops made faint tinkling sounds as they zipped along the length of the chain. Pacing back and forth, she fumed at Irvine and Zone's abandonment of Quistis. Based on his actions in the cafeteria, she figured that Zone would be the very last person in Balamb to leave Quisty alone with Moe. She was still seething about Xu. Not only had she gone back to her office, leaving her best friend with a pervert, but she had _laughed_ about it. Now, Zone was just standing here with his hands in his pockets instead of protecting her. What was with everyone today?

"Now Rin, there ain't any reason to worry about her. Before we left, I kind of hinted that Quistis really liked it when her fellers let her control the flow of, umm, certain activities. He moved so damn quick to get the cuffs out of my box of goodies that I thought he might break his leg before Quistis could get started on him." This did little to console Rinoa. Handcuffs would just give Moe an advantage if he managed to outfox Quistis. Irvine didn't understand why his good intentions, from the fundraising movies to this attempt at cheering Rinoa, always seemed destined to fail. "Great, Irvine. Just great. And what if he uses them on her? Hmm? Forget it. Get out of my way. I'm going to help her."

Zone intercepted Rinoa before she activated the sensor on the automatic door. "Let's give her just another minute or two. She told us to wait until she called." His lips pulled away from his teeth in a wicked grin. To Rinoa, sweet, sensitive Zone suddenly looked like a starving wolf that happened upon a chubby lamb with three legs. She would expect an expression like that from Quistis or Xu, maybe even Selphie on a bad day, but never Zone. "When Irvine fed him that line, Moe climbed on her desk and cuffed himself to a drawer handle. Thanks to those little hints, I think he misunderstood her intentions."

"So, he's attached to her desk? Does she have her chain whip? Oh no. What is she going to do, Zone? Should we check on _him_ instead?"

"Ha! Maybe we should. She was tossing him around like a cat with a world-record size ball of yarn. I didn't know she had moves like _that._ I bet that she could take on a whole army of Moe clones with no problems." Zone anxiously looked to the door. In spite of his boasts, he was very worried about Quistis. Filming every new hold, throw, and kick in the updated SeeD curriculum had taken her the better part of three hours. By the end, Zone had noticed her steps and retreats were slower, the chops and blocks not so brisk. In short, she was worn down by performing every move in a lengthy series of combat manuals against an opponent that outweighed her more than three times.

_Damn. Damn. Damn. I know she said to wait, but she also looked fucking exhausted. Pushing around that much weight for so long took a lot out of her. What if the cuffs broke, or the drawer wasn't locked in the desk? What if he… Stop it, man! She's an experienced soldier. She's trained to deal with much worse than some small town gangster. Stay or go? You promised to wait. But you also said you'd be there if she needed you. Think, you indecisive bastard! _


	17. Strictly Educational

Note: The dog/bell experiment can be found in any basic, run-of-the-mill psychology 101 textbook. Pavlov and conditioned responses or some bullshit like that. Psychologists. Crazy old codgers with weird beards, the whole lot of 'em. God, I hated that class.

_--------------------------------_

_Step. __**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap!**_ Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap!**_

"Cease your pathetic weeping and for the love of Hyne, stop begging me for mercy. It's starting to annoy me. I don't understand why you are so distressed. If you'll kindly sob quietly, I'll continue the lesson." Quistis was having fun. Moe was not. Moe was, in fact, praying to Hyne, Ifrit, his dead Aunt Shirley, and any other supernatural entities in begging range for either escape or a swift death. _Are you there, Hyne? It's me, Moe. _He just wanted to go back to Timber and crawl under his bed. It was amazing how fast he lost his desire to bone her when she began what she called 'intensive training'.

"Are you listening? I am not fond of repeating myself." Moe sniffed, trying to prevent any more snot from dripping down his jowls. He begged in a tiny voice, "Please. I'm listening, my dear." _Aunt Shirley? If you're up there, I'm sorry about breaking your favorite snuff box when I was twelve. And I'm sorry for feeding your cat to the neighbor's bulldog when I was nine. I'll put a dozen roses on your grave and sacrifice a goat in your honor if that's what it takes to convince you to help me. _

Quistis continued. "You better be. I don't want to lose my temper. McCawber then goes on to say that you can bleed your adversary much longer if you tie his ankles above heart level. This is enormously useful. Why, Xu and I were once ambushed by members of a terrorist faction outside of Esthar. The leader wouldn't yield the information we sought, so we had to persuade him."

Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap!**_ Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap!**_

"He was a hell of a bleeder. I thought he would die before he gave us the location of their headquarters. Then I remembered what McCawber stated about gravity and arterial flow. It only took Xu's bootlaces and a stout tree branch to string him up before he told…"

"What the hell kind of book are you reading?" Moe pulled again. The damn drawer was locked tight. He pulled harder. Yep, locked tight and the cowboy left with the keys. _Shit. I am going to die and I didn't even get breakfast. _

"Book? Oh, I'm not reading a book, _sir._ I have always admired the collected works of Dr. McCawber. With such a deep appreciation for his methods, I've spent years memorizing his teachings. I'm simply making a video to aid my students, both here and on training missions. His books are heavy and difficult to ship. Plus, they are very expensive." A satisfied smirk crossed her lips. "I've combined his techniques with a few moves of my own for, forgive me if I brag, a curriculum that is unmatched in its' effectiveness."

Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap!**_ Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap!**_

Quistis paced in front of Moe, loudly tapping the braided handle of _Save the Queen _against her palm with every step. She was pleased with the steady rhythm. It was very regular, very soothing, and above all else, very effective. It was also highly amusing. Rolls of fat bounced as he struggled and whined. She felt that she should probably show some pity for the crying porn king, but she couldn't stop laughing to herself when every flinch produced a blubber tsunami.

Step. _**Slap! **_Step. _**Slap! **_Over and over again.

She found it supremely fascinating that Moe would flinch at the brisk ring of her boot heels, but not at the flat smack of the leather against her skin. Every time he jumped, she recalled a famous experiment with a dog and a bell. "Really, _sir_, I must insist you stop crying this instant. I have simply offered you the opportunity to assist in an educational venture that would benefit our soldiers stationed in isolated locations. And now you change your mind. I don't appreciate your capricious attitude. My time is very precious."

"But, you nev… you never said a word about using a weapon! I thought you were going to…the cowboy said you…" Moe fearfully eyed the sparks that showered from a smashed computer monitor. Lying on his back with his hands chained to her desk, he had an excellent vantage point for Quistis' private lessons. He couldn't believe that a measly strap of leather could cause such damage. The whips in his movies were _nothing_ like the brutal torture device wielded by this mad woman.

"You thought I was going to do _what_, Moe?" She leaned her weight onto his ample torso, sharply pressing her elbow in his sternum. He gasped for air when she increased the pressure. She bent close to his flushed face and whispered, "I don't know what Irvine told you, but I'm sure it wasn't accurate. He can be…misleading." Long shapely fingers tapped a staccato beat on his wide forehead. "How was it that you so tactfully articulated your wishes just a few moments ago? Hmm…oh dearie me. What was it? Ah, yes! Now I remember!" She snapped her fingers over his nose, making him blink rapidly. "You were so very keen for me to 'work that whip' and demonstrate my skills when you handcuffed yourself to my desk. Now I'm demonstrating those particular skills and I would thank you to _shut your damned mouth_.

She sighed as Moe rattled his cuffs, working desperately to free his hands. "You're not going to be able to extricate yourself from those restraints. Wonderfully strong and extraordinarily durable, those Trabian cuffs are meant to last several lifetimes." She bent to examine the furry steel circles that cut off the circulation in his pudgy wrists. _Surely those were a special order._ _Only Selphie would have someone attach something so inane as yellow faux fur to handcuffs. They are cute, though. Wonder if she still has the address…I'd like a pink pair myself. _

Moe whimpered as Quistis finally removed her elbow from his gut. She stood and unfurled her weapon, twisting it around her head, faster and faster, until the whip was dancing deadly pirouettes just inches from her face. "Are you ready to continue? Good. Now, this is a new move that I've been practicing for a couple of weeks. If you will kindly pay attention, _sir_, notice that I pull back immediately before _Save the Queen's _midpoint crosses my wrist. Normally, one would wait until the movement was near completion before attempting retrieval. And…well, I shouldn't have to tell you, since you've watched them all day, but observe my hips as well. Notice how I lean into my turn." Quistis lifted her arm and swiftly brought her whip down in a single graceful arc. Marble tile snapped in half wherever _Save the Queen _touched the floor, raising small clouds of gray and white dust. Satisfied with the resulting damage, she smiled brightly when she turned back to Moe's bound form. "I'm rather proud of that one. It took quite a while to master the retrieval without compromising the speed. Those slight modifications to the traditional overhead strike have increased my attack power so much that I almost fear to use it on living creatures."

Her smile darkened even as it grew wider. "Almost."

_She can break tile made from fucking marble? If she can do that to solid stone, what will the damned bitch do to ME? _"Please let me go. I'll never again ask you for another demonstration. And I was joking about the whip! Ha! Yes, my dear! All a joke! Please, PLEASE let me go." Moe flipped off the desk when he tried to escape that frightening smile. Unfortunately for him, his hands were still cuffed to the upper level of her desk drawers. He fell with a resounding thump, his face flat on the desktop and his broad back exposed to Quistis.

His labors reminded her of a fish on a hook. Lots of flapping around, but in the end, the fish has to accept that he is attached to a bit of metal that is bringing him ashore to meet his breaded and deep-fried destiny. "Oh no, _sir._ Now the fun part begins. Which part should I 'work' first? I have to admit, I was surprised when you suggested that I use such a painful instrument. I truly don't understand the appeal of your masochistic games. Just the sight of those poor broken tiles makes me cringe."

She sighed again as she rotated _Save the Queen_ in large circles. "But, if you really want me to flay the flesh from your back, I can accommodate your desires, _sir_. Now, hold still so I can commence this lashing and complete your tour. You know, you should consider yourself fortunate. Not everybody that comes through the gates gets this special treatment."

Moe's terror increased from mid-level code orange to a high-threat code red when he couldn't see Quistis. _What's that funny sound? _He panicked when he realized that it was her whip whistling through the air. "Hyne help me. **ZONE!** **GET BACK IN HERE! **Please. Oh, hurry. **ZONE! **Stop this crazy bitch!" Moe yelled for the only person that might be persuaded to help him. _Yes, money. I'll offer him money. The boy has never turned away gil. Money, women, power, anything he wants. I don't want to die chained to a desk. _

**ZONE! DAMN IT! GET IN HERE! PLEEEEEEEASE!**

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An agonizing three minutes passed before Zone stuck his head through the door, perplexed by the sound of Moe screaming his name. Selphie snuck in behind him, hoping to see how many gallons of blood Quistis had drained from Moe. She had a bet going with Xu and she needed to see the size of the Moe puddle. Disappointed, she saw no blood or flying bits of Moe meat, but judging from the broken tiles and computers, it looked like Quisty was just warming up her killing muscles. She thought it was way past time for some action. Garden could be so _boring _sometimes. "Hey! Wait a second! Those are mine! Irvy…how the hell did that fat bastard find my cuffs?! I thought you were just lending them the camera. Zone! Tell Quisty to hurry and kill him or whatever she's planning. I want my cuffs back!" Still raving about the cost of shipping from Trabia, she returned to the hall to give Irvine a piece of her mind.

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Whistling at the destructive force of Hurricane Trepe, Zone carefully stepped over assorted classroom splinters and bits. _That is some serious damage. Only thing we're missing is the trailer park and the old woman in curlers and a bathrobe yelling about the twister spearing her cat through the neighbor's kitchen wall. _He almost chuckled when he saw Moe twist and strain against Selphie's sunshine-yellow restraints. Hearing the doors open and close, Moe rotated his head and locked desperate eyes on his former employee. "**ZONE!** Oh! There you are! Help me, my boy. She's fucking nuts!"

Zone thoughtfully rubbed his chin. He looked from Moe, pleading for help, to Quistis, still spinning _Save the Queen_ in slow, lazy spirals. She had an unreadable expression on her face that he found incredibly enticing. _Damn. That is sexy. She looks exactly like the statue of the Ice Goddess in the history museum in Deling City. Well, she would if that Shiva sculpture held a whip. Holy hell, I have to get her alone soon. Maybe I can take her for a nice dinner or dancing, or… something else entirely. _He shook his head, attempting to clear certain vivid images from his mind. _Listen to yourself! Task at hand, Zone, task at hand. Focus, man! First you have to finish with Fat Moe. _"Gee, Moe. I don't know if I can convince her to stop. See, the thing is, I've got this problem with certain people promising me some extra cash, then backing out of the deal. And then these same people start making attempts on my life, send hit men to follow me around, threaten me and my friends, things like that. It's hard to concentrate with all of these…_She's still twirling that whip…look at her eyes…so blue… _umm, distractions."He jerked his gaze from Quistis and returned his attention to Moe's terrified face. _"_ I may not be able to concentrate hard enough to beg her properly, so I can't make any promises."

"Zone, I'll pay whatever you want. Just make your hellhound bitch heel before she breaks my neck with that toy of hers!" Moe began talking so fast that his chins were shaking from effort. "Get my phone from my jacket pocket. Marvin is on speed-dial. He'll call Benny and Dick, or Mick, or Steve. Whoever they are. I'll call off the hit if you'll just stop her. Please!" Moe decided that if revenge is indeed a dish best served cold, then he should go on a vengeance-free diet. Whether served cold or reheated, revenge is still full of empty calories. If he didn't get away from Balamb, he wouldn't be around to taste it anyway. He was willing to forgive Zone in exchange for his life.

Zone idly kicked at a small fragment of shattered marble. "Yeah, that's great and all, but what about your donation? You did receive the promised two hour tour of Balamb Garden, so you still owe this place some cash." He looked over to Quistis, spinning her whip instead of twirling her hair. He was growing very fond of the way she would fidget when she was nervous. "I sure would hate to see Miss Trepe over there get upset. She doesn't like it when people back out of a deal. I'd hate to know that I had a trained assassin like her after me for squirming out of a debt. One more thing…" Dropping to his knees, Zone grabbed Moe's collar and twisted until his enemy's face reddened. Voice dropping to a low growl, he cautioned Moe about insulting Quistis. "And don't _ever_ call her a bitch again. I'll kill you myself and mail your carcass back to Timber. I really like this girl. Mind your fucking manners."

Watching Zone bully Moe, Quistis missed her next rotation and found _Save the Queen_ tangled around her shoulders. His sudden switch from laid-back photographer into alpha male woke something primal in her that she never knew existed. She shrugged off the whip and quickly crossed the floor to take Zone's hand. Eyes blazing, she pulled him up from the floor and kissed him hard. He returned the favor with equal ferocity, both crashing into a row of student desks. _If he keeps defending me like this, I am going to fall for him so hard. And if he keeps kissing me like this, we'll both end up in serious trouble. Screw it. I don't care._

Ignoring the pain in his hip from the fall, Zone tore the clip from her hair and threw it across the room. Quistis was just pulling Zone's shirt over his head when she heard a loud cough. _Ahem! _Both had forgotten that a handcuffed walrus was listening to every sound they made. She blushed deeply when Zone started laughing. "Zone? Please? Miss Trepe, ma'am? Just uncuff me and give me that phone. I'll take care of everything." Zone reluctantly released Quistis and left the room to grab the keys from Irvine. He quickly removed the restraints from Moe and stood back to avoid the seismic shift as he regained his feet. Watching Moe slowly assume a vertical position forcefully reminded Quistis of the formation of mountains and hills from massive earthquakes.

"You better call your assistant fast. She's kicked my ass before, so I don't want to get on her bad side again. I'm trying real hard to hold her back, but she might break free any second now." He chuckled softly as fear blanched Moe's face.

"Well, the last time you got on my bad side, you certainly worked very hard to redeem yourself, Zone." Quistis smiled when Zone leaned into her and locked his arms around her slim waist.

"Ye-yeah. We don't want to get on her bad side." Sweat was pouring down Moe's back. If she was in a good mood now, he'd hate to see a bad one. He thought it highly likely that she could shoot lasers from her eyes or spit fire from her mouth. "I'm dialing right now. Jus-just keep her over there with y-you." Chubby fingers twitched as he waited for Marvin to answer the call.

"Marvin! Get the car and get it fast. NO! Then call Benny and that other fucker. Zone and I… we've reached an agreement. Yes, call it off. I also want you to cut that check, and then take it to the Headmaster's office. Yes, but double it. Damn it, yes, I said double. I don't care if we have to increase production, JUST DO AS I SAY! I'll be waiting at the administration offices when you get here. Don't question me again! Make it snappy!" Moe slammed his phone shut and started inching towards the door. The sooner he put a few hundred miles between himself and the crazy chick with the weapon obsession, the better he'd feel. "There. I did it. May I please, ma'am, be excused?"

Quistis had almost forgotten about Moe. Again. Zone continued to find little ways to distract her, most of which involved his fingers and tongue. She was finding it hard to focus on the conversation. "Hmm? What? Oh, it's you again. No, you're not excused just yet. I'll have Squall and Irvine escort you to the Headmaster's office to ensure that you don't try anything silly, like skipping town or refusing to honor your end of the bargain. (_Stop it, Zone. I'm trying to talk. Move your hands._) Remember that they are as proficient with their weapons as myself. (_Okay, Zone. Don't stop THAT. Please, don't stop doing that, but wait just a second._) Don't try anything foolish." She adjusted her glasses and smiled at Moe once more. "After you have paid for my precious time, then you may leave. I really must thank you again for your generosity, _sir._" Quistis stepped into the hallway and summoned his escorts. She wanted rid of him so she could properly attend to Zone.

Flanked by the two SeeDs, Moe began his journey to Xu's office and his inescapable altruism. He hoped Balamb had a market somewhere. He had to buy some flowers and a goat. He was never backing out of a promise again.

"Thank Hyne, fellows. Quick now. Get me to your Headmaster before she changes her mind. She's crazy as hell. But don't tell Zone I said that."

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"Holy hell, Quistis! What did you do?" Selphie surveyed the damage with the expertise of one used to destroying property. "Xu is gonna kill you. I didn't do this much damage in the quad yesterday and she's ready to skin me and make herself a Selphie-skin purse. I can't imagine what she'll do to you. She'll take this outta your paycheck for sure. She might even want…" Words died when she saw Zone more or less entangled with Quistis. They still had their clothes on, but judging from another area of expertise, Selphie figured that this would be a transient state.

"Selphie. Go. Leave. And lock the door behind you."

"But umm, Quisty, don't you need help cleaning this up? And I need to get the camera. I think it's still run…"

Quistis slapped Zone's hands away. The boy had no patience at all. "I'll handle it, Sef. And I have to see Xu anyway. She won't mind the damage when she sees how much money Garden will be receiving. Now, really. Get out of here."

"Okay Quisty, whatever you say." She stopped on her way out, remembering something important. "Oh, before I go, you did sign a waiver for Irvy, didn't you? Before he films, he always gets a waiver signed. You did one for this training video, right?"

_Damn-it-all-straight-to-hell-damn-damn-damn-go-leave-us-alone-for-just-a-little-while-damn-damn-damn…_"YES, Selphie. I did. Please. GO!"

"Oh, okay then. I just wanted to check. He's very particular about that, you know. Very, very particular." Selphie whistled a merry tune as she stepped into the hallway. She hoped Irvy was finished walking Moe to Xu's office. She had something she wanted to tell him.


	18. A Sweet, Sappy Ending

Eight months later…

_------------------------------_

"Irvine! Irvine Kinneas! Where are you?"

"Oh no. Fuck me. Selphie, run! She's found out!" Irvine grabbed Selphie's wrist and began weaving through startled students, pushing, shoving, throwing elbows; whatever it took to clear a path. _Survival of the fittest_, he thought…or at least survival of the bloody damn terrified. "I knew, just KNEW that she would find out. _Bad idea, just a bad idea altogether_. You get the bags, I'll get the car, and we'll meet at the garage. Hurry darlin'! Hurry! Before she gets…OW! Lemme go! That hurts!" Irvine found his auburn ponytail once again in the hands of Quistis Trepe. Under other circumstances, he would have welcomed her grabbing his hair and screaming his name, but today he just wanted to get in the getaway car and hightail it to Galbadia.

"Tilmitt. Kinneas. Office. Xu. Now."

"Hey Quisty, did you know you kinda sound like that Fujin chick when you talk like that? Really, your voice even got all deep and scary like hers does sometimes. Are you gonna start wearing an eye patch too? Cause, you know, I was in the locker room with her one day and she took hers off and I thought I could sneak up on her and see the big eye hole but she isn't even _missing_ an eye and I yelled at her and she told me to SHUT UP and then I was all 'Well, I'm gonna tell the whole school that you're not even a pirate like I thought' but then she gave me a weird look and threatened to take one of _my _eyes out and then I said 'Great, but only if I get to wear a patch but I want a patch with glitter and sequins' then she threw a shoe at my head so I decided to leave and go shopping to find a pretty girly eye patch cause hers is just so butch and not pretty at all and then I …"

"Hyne, will you shut up for one damn minute, Selphie? I need to talk to both of you. Now."

"Oh, okay Quisty! Let's go to Xu's OFFICE. Hee hee! See? I can do it too! I can even cover one eye and…" Irvine slapped one hand over Selphie's mouth and used the other to pull her tiny fingers from her eye. Her chatter would only exacerbate the situation with Quistis and he didn't want to be tortured _and_ killed.

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"So." Xu pressed stop on the remote control and shook her head. She crossed her arms and leaned against her desk, watching Quistis glare at the petrified cowboy. "You are the two responsible for these films, are you? And Q. In a _classroom_? Couldn't you have waited until you made it back to your dorm? Thank Hyne that Zone…Is that his name? Thank Hyne that he knocked over the camera before he had you _completely_ naked." Quistis buried her face in her hands. "But at least your hair covered your features. I think we can get away with saying that it _might _be someone else in the video."

"Yeah! That would work! But I still want my name on the credits! I did the soundtrack. I wrote my own music and I sang the theme song too! Did you hear me? I was all like _Booyaka-chica-bow-bow-booyaka-chica-wow-wow-booyaka-boooyaka-boo-chica-yow-yow_ and I got this guy named Issac to do the bass. And he was all _BOOYAKA-BOOYAKA-BOOYAKA_ in between my _booyaka-chica-wows_ and I think it sounds really good! What do you think?" Selphie bounced around Xu's office, singing her porn music and knocking paperweights off the heavy oak desk.

"Hey! I know! We can say it was Trixie! She kind of looks like Quistis anyway and I wanted her to…OW!" Irvine rubbed his shoulder where Selphie punched him. At the mention of Trixie, Selphie-brand sunshine darkened to Selphie-brand thunder. Both poles carried their own special types of scares. And with the change in forecast, Irvine found himself wishing that he had brought an umbrella. "What the hell, Irvine? I thought you quit talking to that whore, you lying bastard."

"Hey darlin'! She's _talented_. And anyway, I think…"

"Silence! That is quite enough from you two! Now…we will have to deal with this when it goes public. I have the girl…what's-her-name…Heartilly in charge of marketing now, so she should be able to pacify the self-righteous bastards that will complain about this incident." Xu sat in her large leather chair, running her hands over the luxurious finish. Garden certainly couldn't afford such an extravagance like her new Ruby Dragon-hide chair before the films started pulling in such impressive amounts. "You better be glad that Garden received so much money from these movies, Kinneas. I'd have your ass on a stake and planted at the gates for doing this to Q."

"But, she signed a waiver and I thought she knew…"

"Drop it, Kinneas. And Q. If it wasn't for your training videos with the tub of lard, I'd have you staked up right next to Kinneas. This was not very professional of you." She smiled when Quistis' shoulders started shaking. She could get embarrassed over the smallest things. The video hadn't even _shown_ much of anything. Xu knew. She had watched it four times before she called Quistis, just to be sure. The sound was still…well, Xu had never figured Quistis to be a screamer. But she had never tried to initiate _that_ type of conversation with Quistis, either. Now, she was trembling over a few flashes of skin, for Hyne's sake. Honestly.

"Oh, stop it Q. I'm not going to fire you. Instructor Beryll says I should, but then I would lose one of my finest instructors. You really are a very good teacher, you know." Quistis, red-eyed from holding back tears, peeked through her fingers as Xu continued. She had fully expected to be sacked when she was summoned to the administrative offices that morning. That camera. It all started with that damned camera. She swore she'd break Irvine's camera before the day was done.

"Your educational video is being taught by instructors at Trabia and Galbadia Gardens, as well as being sent to outposts and various fortified areas. The Trabian Headmaster even requested that you come teach a seminar for whip specialists this winter. You're getting a rather large Trepie organization up there too. I fear that he is trying to steal you away from me."

Quistis rubbed her hand over her eyes, sniffing loudly. "Yeah. He sent me a dozen roses and a job application. But I don't think it was all because of the video with Moe. I think he knows about _this _video as well." She started crying again, hating the fact that Irvine had been right. Not only were her present students buying that damned movie, Trepies from previous years' classes were ordering multiple copies of _Hot for Teacher_. If only she had noticed that fucking red light.

"I know, Q. But if you run off just because some guy sent you flowers, then I'll come to Trabia myself and fetch my favorite Professor back. If flowers are all it takes to get you to stay here, then I better go see that odd little flower girl, cause your new position is active starting Monday."

"What?"

"She said 'position', Quistis. I think she wants you to try the Bouncing Balamb Back…"

Xu threw a paperweight at Irvine's head, knocking his hat to the floor. "Kinneas. Get the hell out of here. Before I let Quistis do to you what she did to Moe."

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"Hmm. Well, that went better than I thought it would. Don't you think so, darlin'?"

"Yeah…I guess so."

"Hey now! What's the problem? She's embarrassed, sure, but think how good she'll feel once Xu tells her how much money she made for Garden."

"Oh, Irvy. It's not that."

"Is it Trixie? Cause if it really bothers you that much, then I won't call her again." This was not the same Selphie that Irvine knew and loved. Her expression worried him. Bright, bubbly, hyperactive Selphie most certainly did _not_ get worried. And when she looked worried, it worried him. And too much worry made him worry more. Then, there was so much worry floating through the air that he wanted to open a window so some of it could escape. Ugh.

"NO! I was just thinking…what will we do if Quisty ever finds out about the director's cut?"

"Oh yeah…that could be a problem. I guess we won't mention that to anybody, will we? We'll keep it for the personal collection." Yeah. Quistis finding out about the _unedited_ version of _Hot for Teacher_…yep, that's a death sentence.

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_Ring…Ring…Ring…_

"Hello?"

"Hey Quisty!"

_Oh no. Not now, Rinoa. I just want to crawl back into bed. It's been a hell of a week. _"Oh. Hi Rinoa. How's Timber?" Quistis stretched back on her couch. She was exhausted. Every time she stepped into her newly repaired classroom, she was met with a loud series of catcalls and whistles. Threats of detention no longer held the same punch. Several of her students were breaking more rules, hoping that they could get their favorite instructor alone in that famous classroom.

"Great! The meetings are going really well, we're making a lot of progress, and I even got Squall to go shopping with me!"

"That's good, Rinoa. Really. I'm excited that your new job is working out. Sorry that you had to handle my mistake, though."

"Oh hush, you. I saw that movie and you weren't even seen, Quisty. I saw Zone's legs and your arm, but that's it. No biggie!"

"It's still humiliating."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Quisty! Why do you sound so glum? Are the movies really bumming you out that much?"

"No, I'm just a little tired, that's all."

"Didn't you get that promotion? I thought Xu was really happy about all of the extra money." Rinoa was worried. Quisty hadn't sounded this depressed since she thought that she would be fired a few months ago.

"No, it's not that. I'm just tired. That's all. Really." _No. I'm exhausted, humiliated, and I'm bored out of my mind. _

"Hmm. Oh! I ran into Zone this morning too!"

"Oh, really? How is he?" _Don't sound excited, Q. Don't you dare. You don't miss him, remember? Hey! He's the only person you've ever talked to that listened to your advice. You should be proud of him. He's off in the world, becoming a world-class photographer, using his talents, just like you said he should be doing. Yes…using his talents, shooting beautiful scenery, surrounded by gorgeous supermodels, designers, fabulously wealthy women, the world's most attractive, single, the loveliest damned women…Hyne. If I ever run into him again, I'll slap the hell out of him. _

"It was so weird. You'd think he'd be all excited since he's like, totally the hottest photographer on the planet right now, but he seemed so darn _down_. I mean, his photos are on…what is it now? Six magazine covers? Is that right? And he's getting paid so much to do those bikini shoots for that Estharian designer's new spring line, but he just seemed so blah. If it was me, I'd be jumping up and down like Selphie, screaming Woo Hoo and Booyaka!"

"Oh, I'm sure he's perfectly content, Rinoa. There is no need to worry about him. I saw his work on the cover of last month's _Galbadia Geographic_. It was spectacular. And the spread inside was amazing. He really did an excellent job on those rare creatures from the Centra continent. And now he's moved up to the fashion world. He'll be a millionaire if he keeps this up."

"Yeah, I guess so. Oh! He asked about you! He wanted to know if you were okay, how work was going, all that stuff."

"I hope you told him that I am perfectly fine."

"Yeah, but he got this weird look when I said that the Trabian Headmaster had been sending you flowers for a few days. He almost looked mad! It was so cute!"

"Oh, Rinoa. Don't tell people that fellow has been sending me those…what the hell?"

"What is it, Quisty? Are you okay?" Rinoa heard a loud thumping sound in the background. It almost sounded like someone was trying to break into Quisty's room.

"Yeah, but I'm going to have to call you back. Somebody is pounding on my door."

"It's kind of late, isn't it? I hope nothing's wrong. But make sure to call me back, 'kay?"

"I will. Bye Rinoa."

Quistis placed her phone on the charger and walked to her door. The pounding increased, making the frame rattle. She reached into the corner, grabbing her trusty aluminum baseball bat. A few years ago, she had a particularly clingy Trepie that followed her a little too closely, waiting for her to get home after class, leaving odd notes under her door…in general just freaking her out. Since then, she kept a bat by the door. The poor sap trying to break in would get a concussion if he tried anything. She readied herself, gripping the handle tightly. Quickly pressing the door release, she stepped back and slung at the intruding shadow.

"OW! Holy fucking hell, Quistis!" The intruder fell to the ground, rubbing his shoulder and moaning in pain. Quistis saw a familiar set of dark blue eyes and ebony hair.

"Zone! Oh Hyne! I'm so sorry! I thought you might have been…well, I didn't know, but pounding on the door like that scares me. What the hell are you doing here?" She dropped to her knees, helping Zone regain his feet.

"I…well, Rinoa said some fancy Trabian guy had been sending you flowers, and I hopped on the first train out of Timber so I could…Why are you looking at me like that? OW! Why'd you hit me again?" Zone rubbed his other shoulder, wincing at the knot he could feel forming under the skin. Quistis really _could _hit like a man.

"You just disappear after Moe leaves, you run off with barely a goodbye, and now you expect me to greet you with open arms? What the hell, Zone?"

"But…I…you…I thought you wanted me to do all of that stuff. I hoped it would make you happy!"

"It's been months, Zone! You call every week, but you never stop by…"

"I've been on completely different continents, Quistis! Didn't you get my postcards?"

"Postcards! I didn't want fucking postcards! I wanted you to…Never mind! Go back to your bloody beautiful world and your supermodels and…" Zone beamed at Quistis…once his eardrums stopped ringing from her screamed outburst. "You, you're not _jealous_ are you? I mean, sure, they're hot as hell and men all over the globe desire them, but that's no reason to…OW! HOLY SHIT! QUIT HITTING ME!"

"You are an absolute bastard! You come back singing the praises of those fucking women and don't expect me to beat the hell out of you? I must have lost my mind to think that I actually missed you."

"Hyne! You never let me finish! I was going to be all eloquent and poetic and talk about how there is no way in hell that they can compete with you, but you wouldn't give me a chance…but…you missed me?"

Quistis glared her very best glare. She wanted nothing more than to tear his clothes off and throw him back to the floor, but she couldn't give him the satisfaction of winning now. That wouldn't do at all. "Well, I did, but I certainly don't now…and did you really mean that? No competition at all?"

Zone grinned, running his fingers through his hair. She looked so damn cute when she was mad. "Of course. How many times do I have to tell you that you're the prettiest woman I've ever seen?" Quistis laughed, throwing her arms around his neck. She'd punish him for making her worry so much later. Right now, she just wanted to enjoy the fact that he was standing in front of her with that silly shy smile plastered on his face. "You're still a bastard, though, even if you do think I'm pretty." She looked down when his stomach growled against hers. "And how long has it been since you've eaten anything? And put me down! Where are you taking me?" Zone laughed at her delighted shrieks when he lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom.

"It's been a while, but I'm not really hungry just yet. We need to burn a few more calories before we get some food. And I was wondering…do you still have that whip of yours?"

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Note: I'm going to call this finished for a while, simply because I have too many projects going right now. I'm just having more fun writing my Renfair Quistis/Seifer story, so I'll come back to this one in a bit. I'm not pleased with the last chapter and it's sappy ending, and I just have other improvements planned, but I'll fix it later. This was an easy, quick fix. I also plan to change a lot of stuff and make this a hell of a lot racier, like I originally intended. Maybe in a few weeks I'll get started on my updates. Hopefully work and school will be a bit less hectic after the holidays. Til then!


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